not even your special move will save you this time...oh wait, maybe thats a good thing

in every situation i find myself in, i have an immediate escape route. i walk into a room (or a situation or a relationship) and i guage my surrounding and come up with a plan of what to do when shit happens. when youre me shit happens a lot so you need to have a plan, a way out, someway to escape the vacuous state you find yourself in with your soul intact. this is something i havent told many people, in fact it might be something ive only told one other person (and its what made up bestest buddies forever) but now im telling you all. well all four of you at least.

i bring this up now because for the first time in my life i dont have an escape plan. i dont have one because for once i feel--how do you say---comfortable. or at least at ease. actually fuck all that. for once in my life i dont want the escape plan, for once in my life im ready to weather whatever shit i may encounter because for once things are good and i like them and i dont want them to change. this is a feeling i rarely have. at least in regards to this set of issues. i dont care that my heart will be spending the better part of the next year in london. id rather it not, but shits what it is, and ill deal with it. in fact ill excell at it, and prove all naysayers wrong. each and every one of them (and maybe even you, although if youre reading this you might have--gulp!--faith in me).

whatevs. the point is i realized long ago that much of our lives are spent wanting more, but i dont want more right now, because i got all the more i could ever wish for. when this happens we are taught we should hold onto, but i dont think were ever really taught how to recognize this, and because of this we rarely ever do. but im not making that mistake. this kind of thing doesnt happen often, and im riding it till the wheels come off.

***

we avoid mentions of who we are or may be but im giving that philosphy the boot for right now. its november 9th, a day of true celebration, and i want to wish cbt and fab wonderful wonderfulness and wish upon them both all the wonderfulness that life has to offer. espesh cbt though. espesh C-B-T.