Gayest Soulmates Ever?

As a little child (I was a midget) growing up in the rural outskirts of the Urban Environ I had yet to catch the crazy fire of confidence that makes my current incarnation an arsonist's wet dream.

Wait, let me start over. This debate does not need my style or idlewild blog lyrics. This debate needs to be studied as stately and astutely like a History major's Thesis. There's a reason they don't allow PHD's to have personalities you know. Onward to suppress.

As a kid I was a picky eater. Onions, mushrooms, and anything with what experts define as "texture" was stricken from my diet in favor of Ramen Noodles, Hamburger Helper, and other food items with optional chewing. I lived in this world of dietary restrictions for most of my childhood, ignoring the great reserve of Arabic food my town held, and th Norwegian niche of whale Blubber. I have no defense for this. It was a closeted life.

Ummmmmmmm. I pause as I write this but I was destined to come out of the food closet or pantry. In recent years, trying new experiences and answering all dares have become pillars of great importance in my young, supple life. They sit high on my list of priorities next to meeting Lucy Pinder and directing Hollywood horror films shot in Canada.

In the interest of living a more fulfilling and interesting life I have not pursued big changes. I don't own a llama. I don't swing. I don't even look out of my left eye while driving. Instead I focus on facets, hoping that their exploration may lead to some sense of fulfillment,adventure, or theology. The end results of this strategy have been sleeping in other people's beds, not washing clothes from the thrift store (so that I can smell like someone else), and eating a new food every day.

The pursuit of a daily new food has led my to let Watermelon Barbeque Sauce mingle on my tongue and made plastic pears stunt my intestinal system. Regardless, this has been a new experience. It not only exacerbates my understanding of what food is good I can safely say that I understand that I know what food is. Food is something you eat for sustenance/style. This style eating can be called conspicuous consumption if you enjoy Economics jokes.

I entered this quest because food wasn't doing much and it was up to me to find a more palatable taste. I have continued this road but a force looms. No longer content to serve ub the Status Quo the fine folks at Nabisco Foods have joined me on this journey by producing new varieties of flavors for both Wheat Thins and Triscuit.

This change in flavor represents a shifting of the cracker into the 21st century. this much maligned snack food has sat on our most ignored aisles (next to Power Bars!!!) waiting to be eaten. They were good snacks, viable for a drunk endeavor or road trip but little else. No one was thinking about Wheat Thins, no one was talking about Triscuit. Unless you were a cracker connoisseur it is safe to assume that you didn't give a shit.

The evolution of flavors has gone from Chocolate to Vanilla to Other sweets. Salty snacks were given a share of Sodium and sent on their way but this wasn't enough for Nabisco. With the innovation of Fire Roasted Tomato and Basil, Rosemary and Olive Oil, and Parmesean Basil crackers have not only expanded their cultural boundaries but their efficacy as well. They are more distinct, flavorful, and important. These crackers are on the tip of our tongues both literally and figuratively. These indelibly important snack foods represent the changing world around us in a way that only Cracker's can.

I will still eat a new food every day, but it'll probably just be a new type of Wheat Thin or Triscuit before long. No longer content to be mere fodder for our snacking urges these snacks have risen up in the form of revolution. Who knows what they are capable of.

Dartmouth Minx does not write for slate. he plays darts at local taverns until his shoulders get sore, wherein he receives a full body massage from a Thai transvestite. You can read much of his work at Slate.com if you are willing to use your imagination and pretend that Dartmouth Minx wrote it.