A fruity feeling is never a good one.

If you keep up with the twisted bits of half literate drivel we like to call annals you are familiar with my dietary habits. I've thrown words on BIG MACS and TACOs without so much as expressing the sentiment that healthy food does, in fact, exist. 

I am not a monkey or vaudevillian (I AM NOT CALLING YOU OUT DARTMOUTH) slap stick artist. As it stands I have no use for bananas. They are far and away the most inconvenient food, which is saying something when one realizes that they come prepackaged. This opinion stands alone in the universe of thought and has no brother or sister notion. If you have one I will give you a banana for your efforts. 

I don't hate bananas. Preripe they are pretty tasty, and they are good for taunting monkeys at zoos that still allow taunting (Toledo Zoo of Toledo, Ohio). These two good things mitigate much of the scorn directed at this fruit when realizes that bananas don't really do anything.

 

FACT: BANANAS TURN BROWN AND BLACK WHEN PACKED IN LUNCHBAGS

School lunches are no longer a big deal in my current age. However, they blight an otherwise idyllic childhood with their stale excuses for elementary nutrition. Mom had her share of weird food related whims. I remember desserts that looked like tarantulas. I've had reviews of every ice cream parlor that has ever or will ever exist. This devotion to excellence didn't seep through paper thin walls. A typical lunch would be a cold piece of meatloaf and a rusty banana. I would immediately discard these pieces and go begging for bits of lunchables. Sons of rich Arabian Merchants would throw me crumbs while calling me "food man" with a chuckle. Did I mention I was a fat kid?

FACT: BANANAS ONLY MAKE ME HUNGRIER

Fruit has never satiated me. It is merely a dance of citrus or whatever non citrus fruits are called upon my tongue before disappearing with no efficacy whatsoever.  Note to food, if I eat you I want to know I've eaten you. I once rode a bus for fifteen hours. I had only bananas as my food companion. I also had a book. It was a good book and took my focus. Absentmindedly I ate eight bananas within an hour. My hunger was unaffected. I was still famished except now I had to be famished in the bathroom. 

FACT: BANANAS ONLY MAKE ME THIRSTIER

Lingering is unwelcome in almost any scenario. I once invited a homeless frisbee champion to come over for a round of drinks. He stayed on my couch for four days with no inkling of departure. he gave me a painting and left. The only relief was with his final exit. Bananas are the same way. They stick to any and all parts of the mandible for upwards of two hours. 

Let's play pretend. Let's pretend that you have been happily married to the love of your life for fifteen years. It is a vigorous relationship full of impromptu lovemaking and hiding notes in each other's pockets. Let's also say that you had a banana for breakfast. You kiss your lover good bye. Forty five minutes later, sitting in your office watching the window washers wash you get a call. The love of your life is dead. You cry the worst tears of your life. You take to the bottle and at 3am on so many nights you look back to that last beautiful moments. You can't get the taste of banana out of your mouth. Your love is now your banana. 

You don't want that do you? 

I once read Angela's Ashes in the back of a Probation Van. Frank McCourt doesn't seem to associate bananas with anything good. We are of the same mind in this because we are either both Irish or both in tune to the wickedness of this fruit. FUCK. He actually bitched about bananas in Tis.

I've eaten three bananas this morning. It might be a great day, but I doubt it. 

I must still say that I find banana room amazing.