Bigger is Better Until You Can't Buy Gloves

"Tell Dmitri Young he's not allowed in my room anymore" - Text Message From Archibald.

I speak only one language but believe it or not I have friends of many tongues, including English. One of these friends is named Pete, he has blond hair and sex at the library. You do what you can for kicks in the MidWest. Pete once pledged to play drums with the Beatles and cried for a week upon hearing John Lennon had died. Tom Petty took pity and offered him a spot but Pete turned him down straight and narrow. Pete's Mom didn't turn down Tom Petty. He is number two in her heart behind her lover, Paul.

I don't know Paul but he is in Iceland. Pete asked me to write him a letter in case he got homesick. This is that letter.

"Dear Paul,

The idles of Iceland must be treating you well. Some call it the great tourist attractions of Iceland. As for me, I call it karma. Any faux-stepdad who buys his faux step sons an IPOD (each) deserves allt he love and affection a nation can offer. I advise that you take in all Icelandic charms (sans Bjork), except those that might adversely affect your relationship with my friend's mother. Her name is Cathy. I think.

I can not relate to your experience of being in Iceland but I can advise you from the standpoint of being within eyeline of it's shore. As an eleven year old I was almost in Iceland. I was close but no cigar. I figure that's as much as I need to know to provide sterling insight. The best thing you can do is to stay in the boat. Keep rowing as to not be a let down, Lastly, try not to cry when you see the sea turn red with slaughter. You may feel hurt at the vantage point of seeing 300 Pilot Whales beheaded. You may want to punish Scandinavian Ancestors for their blubber reliance. Look at the blood, and remember even carnage can be cultural, especially here.

Try to get the locals to listen to Lil Wayne. This is a good joke. They already listen to Lil Wayne, but only the mixtapes.

A good travel tip is to try as many different cheeses with as many different body parts as possible. I'm of the school of thought that you can taste differently with different parts of the body. Keep your eyes peeled for Dmitri Young. He's been known to travel and beat wives. If you don't pay attention he could marry and pound you within an inch of your life. This tip is applicable in pretty much every instance of life ever.

Iceland isn't known for thier snake population but trust me, they're out there.

Your heart may be homesick. You may missed your loved ones. However, libraries are depressing places. Try to stay along as possible. There's a good chance that you aren't even missed much. Just kidding. Pete says he misses you and that you guys don't hug nearly as often as you should. As a matter of fact, Pete says no one hugs as often as they should. He also wants to kiss you.

Have a great one,
Charlie"