Two Girls, Not My Cup of Tea

In this post I am being held hostage against my own will. Ummm, you can probably gather from the previous statement that this was not my idea. Gist of it is, I found some great works and in order to publish them I had to offer my peculiar insight on a subject that otherwise escapes my frame of reference.

While I find 2girls1cup.com to be the most tasteless, distasteless, flavorly dull website I've ever consumed I have to grant that they, with shit in all orifices, are at the very least using thgeir imaginations. While not the most daring fetishist I smile in chagrin at their daring, cadence, and sensual swagger. I have never been friends with a star athlete or Johnny Knoxville but I imagine that they have very similar attitudes about sensuality. This might not be a compliment but at the very least it lets me appreciate something I would otherwise vomit at.

This next post is by my good, introverted friend Daniel Lawlor. If he was a girl he would like to be tied up and we would be married by now. We plan to turn Homosexual and wed at the age of 25. I am not sure who will tie up who, but I promise to use square knots.

When I was in first grade, my teacher had placed a major focus for the year on spelling and reading. To this end, we were separated into different groups and whichever group had done the best in spelling that week would be allowed to select a special prize from a table she’d set up in the back of the room. Usually the toys were shitty dollar-store fare – a bouncy ball, a cheap plastic robot, whatever. But one week, in which I had the distinct good fortune of being in the best group, was the prize of all prizes: a bird’s nest. A pristine bird’s nest, sitting along among children’s books and colored pencils. Naturally, I had to have it. So when we all got up to line up in front of the prize table, I made sure I was first. Now, it didn’t matter what order we lined up in as the order in which we picked was purely at random, based solely on the teacher’s whims. But it didn’t matter – I had to have that bird’s nest, so I lined up first and kept my eyes on the prize the whole time. Maybe it was the gleam in my eye, maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t yet been chosen first, maybe it was just luck – but when she called my name first, it felt like fate to me. Striding up to that table and selecting the small brown bird’s nest, I must have been the happiest boy in the entire world. After I made my selection and returned to the line, the teacher casually asked “Who else wanted the bird’s nest?” And I wasn’t surprised a bit when every other kid in that line raised their hand immediately.

Continuing on the found poetry motif I have recently been innundated with Penis Enlargement emails. These are not the normal fair. Someone out there must know that I want my penis to be huge if only for hilarity's sake.

This next entry is from one Lillian Dailey

Greeting Hoofing

It is the size of ones c nlz oc eei k which determines success

Lilian Dailey

This next entry is from Roderick Chaney. I swear to God it is taken word from word. I think I owe it to them to order.

Compliments Kareem Virgins always whooped at me and even youths did in the urban comfort station! Well, now I whoop at them, because I took M mrx E sds G xoh A ny D lmy I xwn K for 6 months and now my p hiz en en is is immensely lo bu ng uby er than federal.

I do not know how to respond to this. Should I question them to prove it or should I immediately worship at the alter of their wisdom? Given such literate lingo and grasp of slang I can only hope that Compton has developed to the point of trying to scam my credit card number. Either that or Allen Ginsburg faked his death and finally found an applicable outlet. Fuck that, Ginsburg was a bottom and probably didn't care about his cock size. Brautigan. Richard Brautigan. You old Berkley hero of my Dad's legends. You of the horn rimmed glasses. You of the trout fishing brilliance. You of the imagination, guile, will, and flat out scary honest whimsy that makes my fucking ignorant heart ache at the mere mention of "Halloween in the Sea". Richard, do you want me to have a bigger penis? I doubt the pills will work but I'll do it for you. I'll do it immensely longer than federal.