The Holidays bring family, parties, and the stealing of nativity scenes. Don't worry too hard though, the nativity scenes are only being borrowed until Easter wherein they are returned with a note reading "Keep the Faith and the Change - J.C."
My family is a right wing Catholic family tinged with alcoholism and an inability to embrace black quarterbacks. I will always remember the Christmas I was allowed to pick the family activity and decided to spend the day with my homeless Uncle in the woods. This might have been the same Uncle who when driving near a river offered the bribe "If we drive into the river we'll meet Jesus faster", but that didn't stop us from spending Christmas Eve chasing a ferret around a fire.
At Christmas parties I am only allowed to talk to my cousin with slight autism, a whistle, and felony charges. With that in mind I am trying to envision ways to get kicked out.
The List
1. Bring a flask of Vodka and offer it to the Children as the blood of Christ.
2. After the Pickle is found in the game "Find the Pickle" stubbornly protest that it is a cucumber. Soak pickle shaped ornament in brine
3. Discuss my sister's fake lesbian wedding and how I think it's the right thing to do. Also, discuss this with a lisp while wearing an earring.
4. Invent a new cousin from the body parts of already existing cousins.
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