Let's get one thing straight before we start on this sure to be prolific endeavor. I am in the business of business. Though not quite a tycoon, I am no stranger to embarking on the occasional air travel adventure. In the global economy, efficiency has become as quality. I need to get there fast. I have to retire my dune buggy. In short, I will be in the airport this Saturday. I will be in the air for the entire day tomorrow.
(In actuality I have to leave my Mom's house and go back to school. It's a Pac-10 school so at least I'll be ooglin')
Gloom and doom. Haste and Hate.
My flights directly conflict with the first day of scheduling for the NFL Playoffs. It is Wild Card Weekend. That means it's Wild Card Weekend! That usually means eating Boneless Buffalo Wings alone, and lord knows I love that. What is a guy to do with no Wild Card Weekend? Is there anyway to survive? Is there anyway to stay a true football fan? I suppose I could TiVo it. Or maybe I could even move my flight back?
Naw. Those are fucking cop outs. There is only one way to stay true to my Pigskin Passion. Over the course of the playoffs I will not watch a single snap. I will not read a single recap. Instead, I will write NFL Playoff Fan Fiction.
Washington Redskins @ Seattle Seahawks
The Redskins led by Clinton Portis, Todd Collins, and possibly a ghost, bound into Qwest Field on a cloud of momentum. Great Wizards they are, they resemble their Hog predecessors to a T. The Seahawks have Shaun Alexander, a former "A" class Beast/Assasin, but has recently lost his love for the game... OF MAGIC!
Both teams meet at Mid-Field for the tossing of the quail to determine first possession. It doesn't need to be mentioned but Hermione looks absolutely stunning dressed as Seattle Linebacker Lofa Tatupu. Distracted by incestuous team mate inklings, the Seahawks are vacant and useless. The Redskins win the toss.
Chris Cooley, dressed in black and holding a torpedo for some reason, scores the first touchdown on the game. He catches a routine screen and rides a routine tornado into the end zone. 7-0 Redskins!!!
An epic battle commences. DJ Hackett weaves through the defense with his trademarked flummoxing skill set, Mike Sellars goes all "Juggernaut Bitch", and I really want to kiss Lofa Tatupu. He's so smart, sassy, and perky!
It is 21-21 going into the 4th. Gibbs and Holmgren glower up at the heavens, praying for divine intervention. Holmgren licks his lips hungrily, picking up a small amount of potion planted there by Patrick "POTENT" Kerney. He starts to like, think real smart and shit. Using his advanced strategic acumen, the Seahawks are able to cruise to an easy 4th Quarter Triumph. The game is sealed when Shaun Alexander waltzes into the endzone on a centaur, forever exorcising demons of Jerramy Stevens.
At the end of the game, Matt Hasselbeck and Lofa Tatupu finally kiss!!!!!!!!
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Pittsburgh Steelers
Before the game Ben Roethlisberger dedicates his performance to the Jeni Six. This not only wins him the hearts of fans every where (swinging karma in the Steelers favor), it also makes him the blackest quarterback in the game. David Garrard stares at his secret Malcolm X tattoo for hours, smoldering while visions of grandeur dance in his head.
David Garrard comes ready. David Garrard runs for 151 yards. David Garrard throws 4 touchdowns. David Garrard throws 2 touchdowns... to himself. Fred Taylor asks for a carry. David Garrard bites him right in the hand. David Garrard finishes the game on one leg and writes a collection of Afro-American poetry that inspires and enlightens.
The Steelers still win though. Do you think I'll oppose someone who dedicates their game to the Jeni Six?
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