Kafka On The Shore

I've given you my pleas, I've extended my reach into the radical and weird. I've expunged great truths about Pop Tarts. Such is life, and such is fun, but I am happy to say that I have turned over a new leaf. Forget Charlie Hoofing III. I can go by my given name, Joel Cullen Blaise Walkowski. There is no shame in it. Perhaps it is worth warranting. "Blaise" is pronounced "Blaze". Fitting as I'm set to set the world on fire. 

I'm not the smartest. 

I am a far cry from the hardest working. 

But I care more than anyone.

That alone will carry me. 

I will will myself anywhere. 

Dear Hollywood/Los Angeles/Collaborators/The Mere Idea of Being a Truck Driver, 

I'm in a dicey situation. We all are. I cannot skimp over this fact. We are all just one misstep away from losing ourselves. I feel like I almost lost my essence forever. The pull of doubt and "The Beautiful LITTLE Life" proved to be daunting. My dreams were so big and vivacious (when I was 13 I used to contemplate conquering Plato without knowing a single thing about anything) that they proved crippling in a new environment. 

Seeing other persons, people harder working and greater than I. I had no choice but to look inside myself and be afraid. Maybe nothing would ever come out of me. Maybe I would have to settle for a quiet life of unobstruction (after all my three year old dream was to be a garbage man). Watching lessers triumph seemed ok. After all, they had the will where I was only willing to fall short. 

What I realize now is that the will has never left. For a while I saw the others cavorting around, seeking to satiate their egos, and convinced myself that the will to do great was a bad thing. It isn't. The problem is that these jabroni's are called by nothing but their insecurity. Looking at my life, I do a whale load out of love and nothing else. At the apex I love to write. So I write. At my best, film seems altogether perfect, so I make films. Feeling hungry, I deign to cook. So I fucking cook. 

I have convinced myself these desires are a bad thing. That pride has no place. I remember the moment when the decision became clear. On the hilt of nine misspent months I was licking my wounds at a library job, shelving books when I should have been seeking extrinsic satisfaction. On my IPOD Kanye's Diamonds from Sierra Leone remix with the Beach Boys came on. 

There was nothing I could do. I had to listen to the song for an hour straight. I couldn't envision doing things for myself ever again. Peace Corps became a big idea. So did a life of quiet servitude. If I was Catholic I probably would have joined a monastery. If I was Catholic, a few month's trepidation would forever Pittsnogle (if you don't get this reference wikipedia Kevin Pittsnogle) my life. 

I'm a resolute atheist. The path to immortality seems much more difficult. Laughs aren't just laughs, they detract from the purpose. 

It's time to be pure. We're too young to be held down. Let's be utterly stupid about what we're capable of. I'm saying two novels in eight months. I know I'm not capable of it, but I won't let myself know it. With Nick, Bryan, and Mom, I will have enough love to get through it all. Love is all we need. I'm so fucking loved I have no excuse. 

I just wrote a list of people I love purely and resolutely (only people I know). I couldn't fit everyone on the paper. My life is FUCKING FANTASTIC. 

The future begins now. Life is beautiful. Not even classes can hold me back. 

I am back to being who I am supposed to be. This doesn't mean I don't care about the world. It means I am unwilling to not leave my mark. 

LOOK OUT WORLD. I'LL BE CALLING YOU ON YOUR BULLSHIT IN NO TIME. 

- The New Joel Walkowski