The Scissors Aren't For Shearing

I recently moved to Vallejo, California. A place I knew nothing about.

If someone requested a Vallejo fact, I probably would've said, "Vallejo is home to every different kind of Beetle." I would've been completely wrong but not that far off. One thing about Vallejo: things are good aqt existing here. The town is almost perfectly divided down racial lines, half urban, half rural, and home to California's first homosexual mayor. People are too busy living--jobs, mates, meth labs--to stop you from doing the same thing. This collective mindset is ideal for the rise of a black market in the Raley's parking lot. Bootleg DVD's are brandished from the popped trunks of rusted automobiles. Things like this happen in the first decade of the twenty first century.

Pictured above, is a card I made for a local grocery clerk. Something about this town makes grocery clerks come alive...Rick S...Irma...Howard...Lydia...Yours is the siren song of the real America.

There are glints upon Rick S' chest. These shimmerings can be traced to candelas, magnified and refracted, by his bounty of customer service medals. Were they mine I would throw them off the bridge and into the river but they are not. Tokens, handed down by commercial empires as "signifiers of success", arew taken as exactly that. They are not ironic. It is not an insult to dole out food to Vallejellians. Rick S does his job. He does it well. The medals show this.

Also in Vallejo: the Zodiac killer. The Zodiac killer killed many in the 70's and terrified a region. You could call him the worst man of the 1970's. You could also call him the opposite of Rick. S.

The Zodiac is opposite of many things.

I saw the Full House House yesterday. Hoping to find a piece of our childhood, Jeff and I drove for two hours without realizing that we disembarked from the Full House House to find the Full House House. Reminiscing about a popular television is unlike killing canoodling couples.

We drove last night. We left the city behind. To the farmland. The clouds had never met wind before. They sat, stolid & high, waiting for a breeze that would never come. We were lured to the boonies, not by present temptations, but the fleeting touch of the 1970's. Zodiac killed his second and third on this same stretch of road. Primal anger, bustling through his every vein, removed him from humanity and made killing others seem like a right & proper thing to do.

Housing a man like Zodiac isn't in a city like Vallejo's best interests. I only found his territory because the clerk at Raley's told me about it.

"You Want Me To Be Cool? WELL I'M NOT!"- Bootsy Collins

Taking account of my current affairs it is difficult to know what's going on with anything. Two questions need answering: "What the hell am I doing?" and "How far can one fall?" The soul's contemplation adheres to these lines when one's body moves into a trailer park.

The white trash elements are not lost on me. I have literally no money, I'm liable to take a job at McDonald's, and there are two dogs running around shitting and pissing. Also: I do not eat food & my sandal has a hole in it. My toe pokes in it. I do not enjoy this because it heaps attention on my toe. I don't own any nail clippers. The nail is ingrown and quite painful. I wince at these steps as I stride through the San Francisco fog. The world is terrible for a few minutes. Cesspool commences. The fact that Joel Walkowski lives in an RV with a Georgia weirdo eats dog food is no longer cool. Then Joel remembers why he's here & doing what he's doing?

What the hell are you doing?

Exactly what I want to.

That's right. I'm the world's worst street performer :)

Untitled from Jeff LaPenna on Vimeo.

Hi...Again

Down to the mononucleosis walls, E.C. is defined by one thing: a rampant and unerring professionalism. His services are renowned the world over as words like punctual, succinct, and gruff are bandied about. His gaudy resume is three pages thick but such things don't matter in a time of recession. The callers have quelled and E.C has been forced to take low ball offers from a rag tag bunch that is fresh out of film school to put it mildly. He works with them for three weeks. The professional rapport grows into burgeoning friendship. This lends itself to good natured ribbing before one announces to a room full of emissaries "E.C. is visibly aroused."

E.C. is confounded. His only retort: "I can see why your girlfriend left you."

Welcome to the world of filmmaking. I've been stuck in this world for the past three weeks with scant time to monitor e-mail, survey pornography, or live the lift of a human being in even the mildest sense of the world. I don't know if I can write anymore. Could creativity be washed away because of too much contact with Detroit Grizzlies? Of course not/I hope not.

I recently produced a documentary film about Detroit. Once ironically referred to as "Paris of the West", Detroit has degraded itself into a cesspool of strife and abandoned buildings with junkies milling about their corridors, wondering whether to assist or stab the neighboring film crew.

From the first time I picked up a camera and pointed the lens towards my Dad's bald head I knew I wanted to be part of this field. The pursuit of making something beautiful, creating the universe as you saw it held an indelible mark and allure. Sitting on couches with fellow wise cracking film school students, we'd watch a film. We'd ooh and ahh at a good film. If the film was bad? We'd let loose. Fuck manners. A bad movie deserves nothing but scorn. We'd mock the craft, the creation. Not even title sequences were immune. "Trajan? What an original font!" Followed by giggles of course. It's easy to degrade from one's high horse but after being in the fire I don't think I'll ever poke fun at a movie again. (Lie). For one thing, it's hard. Labor aside, filmmaking exists in a frenetic world where 16 hour days are the norm. You're weak if you want a family. Even weaker if you want a break. Work well and try hard and you might find yourself in the fraternity, labeled as a filmmaker with the extra paunch around your gut to prove it. I commend anyone whose ever worked to put a piece of life into motion picture form. If it's good? Then I fucking salute you. "Where is the ice?" "Do you have the permit?" "Where do we park?" These questions are among the hundreds I received daily. To be able to wade through this muck and realize you're making a movie is one thing, to do the same task with a vision for quality is the work of saints.

Why are so many movies bad? Dude, there's no time to think about the movie. Over the past three weeks, nothing has warranted a quiet consideration of the film's quality. In this industry the sole objective will always remain: GETTING IT DONE.

Enough about film. It's pedantic and droll. I never want to be the consummate professional acting affronted at invisible hard-ons. Life's a game and film should be too.

I told myself this was my philosophy for making films. I used it as an excuse to play football.

Football was a big part of our shoot. I skipped out on interviews, opting to play catch in the street. I would play with anyone around. This pursuit of sports brought me into friendships with crack addicts, Crunkstop, and whoever happened to be walking by at the time. This past Friday, we were stationed at a halfway house in Virginia. The responsible producer would've and should've kept tabs and arraigned dinner for the ravenous crew. It's a solid task but it's hard to get up for anything that doesn't directly help the film. I surveyed the grounds. A meadow stretched before me. I could;ve sat and watched it for hours but distraction laid in the left of my vista. A basketball hoop. Gathering up the ball, I surveyed the grounds and found an inmate willing to play. We played One-on-One with him ultimately ousting me 21 to 16. Most of his points were scored on jump shots with a touch that could be described as feathery. I was struck by this. If I were locked inside twelve hours a day, my muscles would jangle into a coiled ball. Given my freedom and a sphere, I'd be surprised if my shot didn't soar over the basketball hoop, let alone the entire state.

I considered myself a Detroiter since birth. I was born in the suburbs. I'm white as they come (I like Hall & Oates). When I first stepped into the city's dregs on a location scout I was terrified. Who knew what awaited me in the pitted houses and storefronts. Flash forward a single month. I'll go into the same areas, utterly comfortable even though there ain't a Pier One around for miles. In an abandoned building or crack den my first thought will be: Who wants to play?

This is a random collective of yammerings. It has to be the way. It's been so big, so intense, so eye opening that I'd have to write another book just to capture it all. If I know you, you'll be hearing about this from me for a long, long time.

I'm back.

It's A Great Time To Own A Dog

I have a swiveling chair I use for swiveling more than sitting. With blue lights, of the upper crust Christmas variety, hanging overhead, there's nothing I enjoy more than a good spin and wonder session. I sat down a few moments ago. Dog's are man's best friend. This is true in the case of my mutt, Avery. She's tethered to my trajectory. It might be strange to follow larger creatures around for food. But being the creature in question, I see her wisdom. I am usually carrying a sandwich.

When I sat, Avery came over, panting with old dog emphysema. She shook herself off. I got flecked with little drops of liquid. I thought the roof was leaking on my wonders. Then Avery rattled her canine form again, recommencing the shower. This second episode was the prelude to the stench of urine dancing across my nostrils. A few feet away, amidst the aluminum rugs, sits a puddle of smoldering piss.

Thanks!

Leon Russell- Out In The Woods

Hello. I hope you're having a good day today. I don't know how you define a good day. I generally prescribe to the theory that a good day includes fundamental human joys--good food, music, creativity, dancing, usefulness--all of which may be exacerbated by the presence of friends.

I like to give gifts. I have lots of ideas about fun things to do (Gerbil Fireballs, anyone?). If I really like you, I'll probably tuck you while singing a song about you. I'm not a good hugger but I'm working on it. I am all of these things but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a difficult person to know.

*****

Friday Night.

I spent the evening working on a cartoon and drawing strange creatures until the Hoopster stumbled in. His goal was to whisk me to a party because the girl to guy ratio was in the surplus. I insisted on shaving but didn't. I showed him some films and we went to the party. I spent it as a lying ball of awkwardness--spewing fibs without provocation. Hoopster got drunk, danced, and hugged girls. He's a very good hugger. After a while, I couldn't stave off the temptation of jungle juice and I insisted we leave. I took him to my home. I took off my shirt and did push ups in the driveway.

Within minutes, Hoopster wanted to punch me. It was a flash of drunken whimsy but the sentiment was repeated throughout the weekend.

Hoopster went home. I went inside, feeling quite empty. My eyes weren't besotted with sweat, the day had amounted to nothing; YET AGAIN! The apathy turned into hunger and a desire entered my heart. I wanted to see what I could do in a single day. How far I could stretch my mortal coil before it came springing back to home base. After a brief chat and ensuing inspiration, I dialed the Hoopster.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"Nothing."
"Let's go to Rothbury. We'll feel alive."

If you play the we'll feel alive card, people have little choice but to go along with you, no matter how foolhardy your plan may be. In this case my plan was very foolhardy. With no money, an unreliable vehicle, and a vague connection in the form of pizza slingers Brock and Ryan, I was going to traverse the state and go to a music festival. The thing about music festivals is that their an annoyance. A slew of unsavories descend, take drugs and steal from the local gas station. I suppose this is why the majority are held way out in the boonies. This wasn't a Detroit Rock City moment. I had no attachment to either of the headliners--the Grateful Dead & Bob Dylan. In fact, the only band I love (Girl Talk, which isn't really a band) had already finished the plan by the time I decided to leg it out past Muskegon. This either makes me fun or a nuisance, presumably both.

I drew two drawings of hitchhikers. Then I wrote my Mom a note. It read:

"Mom,
I have no money or a clue. I only know how I feel inside: stagnant and old, like the remnants of mayonaisse after a hard rain, sliding around disgustingly with nowhere to go.
Went to Rothbury.
With Hoopster.
Hopefully Brock can get us in.
If not? L'aventura!
<3 Joel"

Hoopster arrived and we set out through the night, talking about girls and peeing on the side of the road as we whiz banged across suburban structures until the night grew glowy and the farms numerous. We stopped for a fill up around Lansing. I nearly conviced a drunk to get in the car with us. He was all in but grew reticent because "ain't no females in that Van."I don't blame him. It is a very suspicious van. For all I know his presence would've altered the dynamic and the entire lot of us could've played out the final act of deliverance with him in the role of Burt Reynolds and Hoopster strumming the dueling 'jo.

They wouldn't cash my checks at the gas station. 150 miles out we were without a dollar. We would've had some money left but I spent my last buck on a Nutrageous. It would be the last food I bought that weekend.

When the sun took over, illuminating the Grand Rapids Press Building like some oceanic site, the wheel was relented to Hoopster. The rest of the drive flew by as I stared out the window, seeing airplanes that may or may not have existed. Hoopster didn't see the airplanes but I saw signs for "Remote Control Outposts" They were strewn up on farmland. It may have been a prank.

We didn;t know where we were going so we pulled into a gas station for assistance. I couldn;t get to the register. Upon my entrance I was immediately accosted by two gentlemen with the strangest beards I've ever seen. It was like a racoon hung as tinsel. On both of them! They tried to sell me wristbands. I told them I was going to sneak in. They laughed and gave us bad directions. Thankfully, an older couple pointed the way. They seemed like perfect blips, able to come in for a moment's servitude and nothing more but it wasn't meant to be. I saw them two days later, necking in a hammock. I didn't bother them then.

As we neared the festival we formulated several plans for sneaking into the festival.
1) Pose as reporters from the Oakland Press.
2) Work as Pizza Men.
3) Masquerade as Pizza Men.

Rolling up we found out that there was no press entrance. We went through country back roads before stumbling upon the entrance where security guards were busy searching cars. I saw a man pour out his salsa. A man named Shitty, adorned with a weed leaf chain, offered us breakfast beer. Hoopster stepped in and explained my explosive vomiting habits. We went to will call who sent us to a middle school down the road. We rolled up in the Van and told our story. We were reporters from the Oakland Press. I was the photographer because I wore an expensive camera around my neck. Hoopster was the writer because he was practicing for his future as a journalist. They bought our story but a system was in place. You needed to be reigstered in the computer! How I long for the halycon days of the 80's when bullshit could fly. We stammered away, leaving them to wait for a phone call from our Editor, Dan Lawlor, that would never come. Soon after, Hoopster squelched the plan in case he ever worked for the Oakland Press.

We walked to a gas station to glean information about the fest from the local papers. No information was gleaned although in a comparison between Rothbury and Kids Fest, it was noted that Rothbury attendees favored LSD and ecstacy while Kid's Fest participants favored lemonade. This Kid's Fest was not to be dismissed as it was headlined by Third Eye Blind. I was thankful Heidi wasn't with us b/c I wasn't ready for a kid's fest. I dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and a furry sweater, abandoning walking in favor of a romping march that brought the fur hood bip-bopping over my head like Pac Man Chomps.

Everything comes full circle. Attention Skylakers: Pac Man has returned!

We settled into the Van, only to find it out of gas. It wasn't actually out of gas but it likes to pretend it is. She's a big needy broad, willing to do anything so long as her stomachs full. Without 5 gallons in her tank, she'll refuse to start. In the past week, her PMS episodes have stranded me on Michigan Avenue, at a bank, and in a Middle School Parking lot. A valuable lesson was passed through this annoyance. Men love to help other men push their vehicles. Consider it the cave gatherings of the American Roadway.

With no gas, we settled in for a sleep, but an older man talked to us for a really long time. Full of fatherly pride, he'd supported his son's company by trucking 30G's worth of audio equipment to Rothbury from Allen Park, Michigan in support of "Thunder Audio" his son's event audio company. Though well versed in stereosonic vernacular, the man's knowledge of Automotive Insurance was devoid like, I don't know, a desert? A mole's bank account? The shiver of timbers? Something clever to be sure. He kept talking while I hunkered in the back and tried to sleep. No rest was had. Eyes were shut for a few minutes but we were too restless and alive. We clambered down the road. I played a three-note ditty on the Harmonica while Hoop screamed lyrics. I told a man "Have a good Sunday" without realizing it was Saturday. Laughs were had. We approached the field of entry, flanked by school buses, vans, and a versimiltitude of beggars. They were Dead Heads for the most part, living a life on the road; begging, borrowing, and stealing to find their way. I suspect they moonlight as accountants or carpenters.

Immersed in tune, we circled the field until realizing we weren't along, as a man with a train whistle was joining in. Marching up and down in a silly hat, he hoot hooted his train whistle ad nauseum. We stopped and spoke. He explained that he was a Dead Head.He was a Dead Head. He'd been following the band (ie taking drugs) for 31 years. He didn't have a ticket or money but was sure that, "One way or another I'll get into the show. 5000 Dead Heads will be here tonight. We'll march in because the music belongs to us." Such confidence, exuded from a derelict who'd abandoned his family (in California!) to be there, touched me in a weird way. My eyes shot upright and open and as I began to speak I found my voice raised an octave and stilted by stammering. "That's a beautiful statement. I believe you'll be in there. I really do." Then I touched his shoulder. He blew his train whistle and marched away. A few minutes later I spotted him in combative conversation with a police officer. "Fuck off!" echoed across the parking lot.

We talked to a few Dead Heads, marveling at their ethos. Not only does the music belong to them but everything does! A few lines of conversation would inevitably be followed by requests for cigarettes. I had no cigarettes so I had no guilt. The only thing I had was some candy I found on the ground. I munched on the candy until remembering Gas Money, the cross I must bear as proud owner of a GMC Safari. Hoopster and I rooted through the garbage, collecting cans and a full arsenal of germs. I suspect this is how I gathered the cold I now hold dear. It's the price you pay. Cans are worth ten cents in Michigan. Scavenge a tailgate zone and you'll get paid. With a few bushels full, we lugged them to the van.

Along the road, we fell in with a muckraker of a girl named Star. A nymph of 18, wearing a mohawk adorned with beer bottles. Her life is traveling to shows, scrounging rides, and maintaining the harmonious state attached to a fly by the seat of your pants existence. Unlike many enlightened (ie Weirdos) she held her state without gravitas. She called us out on our bullshit. "Why isn't this your life?"
"I don't know."
"Make it your life. Like today. Come to New York with me."

I loved her for living like I can't yet. She respected Hoopster for going to school and me for having a tattoo. She helped us load up the cans. The Van started. We went to the Gas Station, grabbed some snacks, and waited while she pooped. As we munched our PowerBars we were joined by the most exploitative couple in all existence.

The man had gray dreadlocks and Lennon glasses held on by bejewled strings.
The woman was a waifish acid type, all song and no heart. Standing between them, toting a sign boasting "We need a miracle" their three-year-old daughter begged passersby for tickets.

I asked the man to show me his Van because he had a sweet rack on top along the lines of a white picket fence. He responded with "You like original music?" before trying to sell me a CD of his wife's music. I didn't budge but I must respect his opening line. Original Music leaves no response. "No. I only like music t robotically fabricated to combines all music ever recorded. You can strain for days without hearing a single chord."

Back at camp, things were simmering. I'd accidentally insulted a Dead Head by complimenting his pants. I couldn't talk to them anyway. Their life style would infuse certain connotations into my RV laden future that I can't take right now. I want to own a microwave. I don't want to yell at dogs. Not having a microwave and yelling at dogs seemed like a requirement for nomadic existence.

I had to do something. I decided I was going into the concert. Hoopster didn't want to go. He waited in the van and read Doystoyeyesksiski. (intentionally butchered).

Along the highway I fell in with Cole, a man from Indiana. He was attended the show because he "fucked up and enlisted in the army". He had a borrowed bracelet that security guards sniffed out but was desperate to get in because this was his "last chance to do drugs before boot camp." We spat out small talk before cruising through the brambles and hopping through a hole in the fence. I was in. Tents splayed out in all directions. People were barbequing, singing, dancing, and generally acting like fools. I loved it. Walking through the lot, I felt at home. I didn't have to be the fool or comic relief, I could simply be an observer. As an observer people slinked up with backpacks, bestowing strange offerings.

The sky was overcast and a light rain trickled down. My pants got quite heavy. Coupled with the lack of sleep I became made of stone. In a good way. I tried walking in but there was another bracelet outpost. I struted around the campgrounds, waiting for Hoopster to arrive and took a nap by a fence. People in green shirts were guarding all trash cans for recycling's sake, which made it difficult to scrounge for bracelets.

After sneaking into a Lake, Hoopster managed to get into the Rothbury campground. I saw some people from my high school but was too busy eating popcorn, rummaged from beneath a car tire, to be friendly. No one's friendly when they're hungry.

Sizing up the infrastructure I felt it was time to go. There was a small gap, guarded by a security guard. I felt we could get in. Part of me knew I was going to get into this festival. I told Hoopster "We're getting in." We walked a few paces, strong virile paces until Hoopster clammed up "We're not getting in." He stopped walking but I couldn't. Seeing the security guard roused a great strength. I knew I was mightier than him. I knew he couldn't stop me. If he mentioned a word I would run. I shut my eyes and walked as fast as I could. I walked right in. It's amazing what you can do with confidence. A 300 dollar concert ticket wasr free. Hoopster watched from behind. Enthused by this moment I had two options.
A) Call Hoopster and apologize
B) Run, Jump, and Scream.

I chose B. I ended up losing my cell phone and keys. Friends had to rescue me.

He's supposed to be like a moth, get it?

Dear Italy

The Wise Man told me
"If there's something you are lacking
Give it to the Earth and it shall return to you in turn."
Before I left
He gave me a candle.
He'd like many more candles.
I skulked off, towards the leaking Basement I call home.
It smells of sewage but I don't mind.
In the kitchen, a sandwich was made
By my very own hand.
It had: ham, lettuce, mayo, tomato, and bread.
White. Not Wheat. Not Rye.
I wrapped the Sandwich in paper towel
and wrapped the paper towel in my finest wrapping paper.
Snoopy. Christmas Edition.
I set off in a dark night towards some semblance of civilization.
None could be found.
I spotted a lonely Oak instead.
I put the sandwich in a hole that held shiny objects.
"For my friends the Raccoons"
I walked home.
I haven't eaten since
How would I?
I don't even know where to begin.
I'm now a raccoon.

"Hello Heidi! Hello Joel!" from Jeff LaPenna on Vimeo.

I received this video greeting from Jeff the Pen, our wayward sergeant in arms, who's spending his pre-RV stint in Italy, teaching kids English in theatrical form. I was warmed by the greeting. I know Jeff regales them with stories of our friendship. I do the same to the figures in my life: the dog, the cat, the man in the crawl space. They like to hear about my friends. Zeke the cat is softened by tales (tails) of adventure although he has trouble telling the difference between "fun" and "adventure". I tell him not to bother.

I decided to respond to the kids in turn. Of course I took the opportunity to slander Heidi via video collage.

FOR THE KIDDIES from Joel Walkowski on Vimeo.

R.I.P. MJ

Yesterday, circa 6PM.

I was lolling around the house and toying with a basketball when I decided to head to the kitchen. Before I could arrive in the kitchen, an electricity burst through my being, freezing me in place. The feeling spread through me. I couldn't move or see. If it hadn't been for the chance of laying a hand on a nearby chair, I would've fallen over; collapsing on the carpet to be licked by a dog. The feeling escalated. My eyes went blind and my mind was immersed in a blitzkrieg white aura of electric light. I'd felt this feeling before--when nearing mortality's edge.

I was terrified when I emerged. Fearing another medical episode was near I stood completely still for several minutes. Then I received a text message. Like a good citizen of the 21st Century and Pavlovically programmed to boot, I went over to check the text. It was from my Mom. "MJ had died."

I'm pretty sure I felt him pass.

Weird.

Goodbye Michael.

I'll remember dancing to Motown as a little kid, throwing myself against the couch cushions to the sounds of his pre-pubescent voice. Michael was the definition of Superstar as I came up. His aura and presence, made the world a far more interesting place. Listen to some early Jackson 5. Hear his tender-sweet voice on ABC or Rockin' Robin. The sounds are synesthetic. I know those emotions, the experience of being a heart-broken phenom is close at hand. It's impossible not to be thankful for such a person's existence.

From finding the Great Narrative in Earth Song to dancing with 12 years olds, Michael's been in the musical landscape.

Blare Beat It and wave goodbye to the soundtrack of our lives.

Call Wacko!

I recently found something that filled a profound gap in my existence.

When I threw up blood I happened to throw up blood on my favorite pair of black basketball shorts. I would've proudly worn my bloodshed but Brock and Appu have higher standards for my sartorial choices and opted to throw them out. Since I don't cash my paychecks I spent today conniving a way to obtain a pair of black basketball shorts. Then, I found a pair on the basketball court. Wee!

That's not what I meant to talk about it all but things escape sometimes, like dreams in the night.

The profound gap in my existence has been filled by an intern. My intern is Nick Olah. So far his responsibilities have included discussing the NBA Draft and making prank phone calls for legitimate business reasons. He's leaving a negligible effect on the finished product as am I in a weird way but his presence alleviates the monotony of waiting in a library or filling a prescription. Crossing the lakelike threshold of a business day in Michigan Summer Swelter, we move with brisk business like strokesm, flecking the day with fun by way of sojourns to Arby's for free Arby's. (Blogging about Arby's is copyright of Beavette).

Today. We were picking up a prescription when a Yellow Pick-Up Truck caught our attention. Emblazoned on the back of the pick up truck was a Demon with an eye popping out of his socket. It dangled down to a small logo that read "Call Wacko" then listed a phone number.

We called Wacko immediately. He picked up with a voice that sounded like Malt Liquor. "What's up dude?" was his trademark beckon. Nick asked "What's up?" Nothing was going on with Wacko.

We called again. I discussed the possibility of him doing a "tatt-oooooo" of the Hindenburg on my back. He was a perceptive listener at first but my flamboyant pronounciation of "tattoo" drew his scorn. He swiftly hung up returning to waxing his boat, gelling his goatee, punching Dogs, and other activities of the Wacko. The Wacko does not tread lightly. He moves through this life, taking his desires and no prisoners. Sex on the first date? Never. Wacko has sex before the first date, before he even meets you. That's how the Wacko rolls.

His football shaped eyes are that of an Artist. His football shaped gut is that of a Patriot. He smokes Camel Wides as he swims in above ground pool. He has had fourteen tattoo removal surgeries so he can "redo the canvas with sum current shit." He's removed an American Flag for Ronald McDonald. The portrait of his mother has been editied into Brandon Inge. Brandon Inge is the troll-like Third Baseman for the Detroit Tigers. Before this season his bat left something to be desired but his hustle and defensive acumen have branded him as a "scrapper", a status that nestled him between the clogged arteries of White Trash Hearts throughout Southeastern Michigan. Inge is having the best season of his career, elevating him to deity status. Since season's inception Wacko has added wings, horns, and a spatula to his Inge tattoo.

I called Wacko again. It went straight to voicemail.

"This is Wacko. You know what to do."

Yes I do. All thanks to you.

Viva La Responsibilite

After spending the regular season and playoffs in the guise of a fan aspiring to be a Sports Writer, I've shelved this approach of witnessing. As it stands, I've viewed every game on the NBA finals through the Imagivision, which is similar to Disney 3-D in it's impressive composition. This seat (the best in the house) allows me to enjoy the game while paying no attention as I shift into long-winded bullshit with comrades.

Examples of potential bullshit:
-Trying to make the most disturbing drawing I can. Asking Heidi to do the same. Hanging drawings on the refrigerator.
-Debating how much pizza to get.
-Wondering why humans enjoy sports?
-Debating the foundation of ambition.

Now, if there was one thing I could be it'd be a professional athlete. First, playing games is fun. Second, you get to do so in Arenas brimming with fans, their screams forever distorting your sense of hearing but exacerbating your sense of self. Third, you get to look cool doing it. Dwight5 Howard wears an array of arm bands that provide no medical need but make him look buff. I do the same thing. Serious pick up football games are played on the Weekends in Dearborn. As the biggest player and best receiver, I dress to intimidate and scare, often opting for a Women's Lions Tank Top. It is the rare item that can make a man appear buff while accentuating his cleavage.

The best moments come chasing down a stray ball. These are bliss like only Joshua Tree or Skylake can provide but they aren't what I get excited about. When I imagine these games the lot of us are dressed like warriors, engaging in camraderie, etc. In short, we act like morons. Sheltered kids making believe to become football players.

I write. I want to be a writer. I try to only write when I'm feeling inspired. This helps the writing but does not help me become a writer. I'm pretty obsessed with purity. I've played the game of wanting to become something and found it extremely unsatisfactory. This is why I haven't sent the novel out. It's also part of the reason I'm living in my Mother's basement. Doing things for the right reasons? Honoring thy muse? What's the importance of all this except to self-sanctify?

The world is open to possibility. This lends itself to ambition. Ambition usually comes in two forms. 1) I enjoy doing something and want to make a career of it. 2) I'd like to be something. It seems cool and would maybe help me get laid.

I'm a big proponent of number one but it is called into question. Last night, I was thinking of all the roles within the Earth. Filmmakers produce visual media for others to intake. Mailmen distribute our memos. Computer Technicians do something vague that no one actually understands. With infinite cogs it is noble to deem a role as your path or is it better to fall into it? Human beings do a lot of strange things. If you were to forget all and see civilization as it sprouted would you ever imagine that this is what we become? Operations have shifted to super-scale with everyone more or less playing the game of reputation. This used to be the thing I feared most about becoming. Why not? They are making movies of Board Games! Board Games!

I'm not sure I can express this thought. I'll just be someone and my standing will tell it for me.

Hey Ross!

A Letter To My Friend Jeffrey LaPenna

(Author's Note: I'd like to start a new feature on the site in which the four fathers of NewHindenburg to share epistles on various life experiences, food eaten, and train rides)

Dearest Jeff,

Greetings from Dearborn, Michigan. I write this from the sanctity of my Mother's basement where I have a humble set up. Despite my cheerful decor, a basement is always a basement and I'm resigned to the fact that I'm working from home this week. These dank doldrums are a far cry from what I expect to find in San Francisco, working freelance (and part-time at Chili's) wherever dollas flow.

This past weekend was the Memorial Day three-day orgy of fun reserved for praising our Military Men and Women. Labor Day is a similar day but it always makes me think of the Masons, of you high society scamps. I spent the first two days playing on a felled tree in the middle of a lake before returning for Detroit's Movement Festival, essentially a three day long rave that doubles as a tourist destination.

Somethings you should know about Movement:
-It is not an ordinary rave as fat suburbanites troll the grounds with novelty beer cups.
-I spent most of the evening alone as I got self-conscious and wandered off.
-I was dressed in a green unitard.
-This was severely out of place.

There were color festives but my form clinging ensemble instantly branded me as "Green Man" a status I was intimately unsure of. Walking into the fest, I bought a wristband off a woman for the discount price of twenty dollars, a sound investment if you ask me.

I've recently, in addled states become very self-conscious. Without the aid of alcohol, means of ingesting confidence are few and far between, a situation exacerbated by the presence of prescription Adderall in my blood stream. I've been on the med since year eight and accept it as the medium for doing work, attaining focus, etc. To have it at a place of dance made me a step slow, the very picture of trepidation. Also, as the picture of weirdness, I was without my brothers in arms--namely you, Nick, Brock, Heidi, Ross, Hoopster, et. all--so when the first person approached me and asked "Where's your head?" I was without applicable response to their disappointment at my level of Greendom. I shirked them off with eyes pointed downward and a feeble grin. I hoped this was the last of my encounters. It was not.

Every few minutes, I would be stopped by strangers exclaiming "Green Man" and extending their hands for high fives. I was in no mood to high five. You are intimately familiar with the film Podding (Olah 2008) seen here in which we depict the otherworldly friendship between Todd Kent, a humble Southerner, and Fenkel, a curious Alien from the Planet Schizanafrottoma. In the film, Fenkel helps Todd gain necessary confidence so he can ask a girl on a date but Todd's exploits leave Fenkel alone on the foreboding planet known as Earth. Similarly attired, I felt the exact same as Fenkel though I stopped short of murdering a priest.

Those approaching me were not the giggly sort commonly associated with raves. On the contrary, my new found friends were drunk hillbillies. That's what happens when the underground goes mainstream. As the flagship event in the Metropolitan Detroit Area, the specter of Movement beamed to pleasure seekers off all ilks, eager to frolic to bass beat grooves and revel in the conspicuously constructed scene I had unwittingly become an inextricable part of. I brought a change of clothes but it was far off in the car and I'd lost my ride. Fenkel it would have to be.

I took in a lovely set at something called the Red Bull stage. As it was densely packed I was limited to jumping up and down for the most part. The oddest tangent was that I danced for five hours and didn't sweat at all. I went for a run this morning and didn't sweat either. Is it problematic for one to stop sweating? I hope not. I find the reduced rate of showers needed refreshing. Refreshing as a shower. I have the same feeling with or without bathing.

The Unitard brought a great deal of attention from the lady folk. Like a crowd surfing woman, my body was open to digital exploration, specifically my ass. A woman came up and grabbed before asking, "Can I grab you again?" I was slow and sort of stared at her as she tweaked my cheek again. A few moments later, three women brushed their fingers against my stomach while cooing odes of "You look fantastic." I offered disagreement. They combated with additional accolades. I don't include these anecdotes as means of ego boosting. It was the most awkward I've ever felt. On a side note, I've gained insight into how Nico operates. This is a good thing for our planned business venture. I thought of Ross and how he would take advantage of these overtures. I'm no Ross Godwin, mon frere. I'd say thank you and little else. Is there an applicable response to a friendly tough? Is it possible for an unanticipated touch to be friendly? I hope you can answer me with these questions.

Sometime thereafter, I went to the bathroom and took a break on a grassy knoll near the port-a-toilets. An older woman of Polish descent approached and we had the following conversation.

Her: Nice outfit.
Me: Thanks. I'm an Alien.
Her: You ever been to Vancouver?
Me: No.
Her: I bet you'd love it in Vancouver.
Me: Why's that?
Her: They have these six people in unitards, one for every color of the rainbow, and they jump on trampolines together.
Me: Yeah, I'm looking for the rest of the spectrum right now.
Her: You can look it up on the Internet if you want.

A few minutes later I was approached by a young couple that requested a photograph. They showed me the front page of the Detroit Free Press in which featured a story on Movement accompanied by the photo of a man in a Green Unitard. Apparently, he was something of a logo for the event, which explained the additional attention throw my way. After they passed a man sidled up and whispered "You attention whore." I wanted to stop him and explain my relationship with unitards but he walked away before I could give him a talking to.

The human being is a far-strung construction with infinite complications within our own minds but to outsiders we are boiled down as such. I will use you as an example. As this is an example I will not focus on giving you the credit due to one of the World's best people and will analyze you like a basketball analyst analyzes the game of a given player (Tom Chambers and Dan Majerle in your case as Bryan and I previously explored )

Jeff LaPenna is my friend. He is Italian, makes movies, and has an artistic eye pointed towards the world. This artistic eye gives him strength but puts him at odds with reality. He enjoys being a manly man in the Outdoors. He is very strange and would jump at the chance to become an Alien. He uses his beard as a social tool and can be known to wear a hat from time to time. Come September, we are moving into an RV together for an artistic regiment, strange lifestyle, and loads of laughs.

I am Joel Walkowski. I like to feel a moment's invincibility and attain this feeling by doing things people don't normally do. I have a long standing relationship with Unitards that is reinforced through the enthusiasm of various friends. I thrive on the attention of others but only those close to my heart. Without these people I become aloof and reflective in a weird way that my family doesn't understand. To wit: My mother and I shared coffee this afternoon and she asked the fairly normal query of "What are you thinking about?"

I answered honestly. "If I could turn into a Dog, I could probably make a very good living as a Dog Actor in movies. I could go to an Open Mic night in Hollywood, show my abilities, and it would spread like wildfire. I'd be the man who doubles as a Dog Actor. The thing I don't know is whether or not it'd help or hurt me in getting girls. Fame would help but the idea of being with someone who is sometimes a dog could be quite disconcerting to some."

That's me in a nutshell. I suppose. But back to the festival.

Someone told me "The Green Man" is a fixture on the popular television show "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". A good Samaritan went so far as to tell me the channel (FX) and air time (10:00 Eastern Standard). He told me I had to watch it. I viewed the episode in question. A man accidentally ingests Acid in the parking lot of Philadelphia Eagle tryouts and becomes "Green Man". Does this disqualify Green Man as my rave name? Am I already Pringle Man?

Shortly thereafter, I ran into the other Green Man. We shared a hug, a magical moment, and a dance off. It was a beautiful moment in the fraternity of those concurrent scantily clad and fully dressed.

I fell in with a group of Ravers who were "tasting the colors" so to speak. We danced in a circle for a half hour or so until it became time to remove my sunglasses. I didn't have pockets. I didn't want them bulging into my form. I put them on the ground, abandoning them. They were immediately returned. I tried the tactic again. They were, again, immediately returned. "You're so weird" they told me.

The night was colorful enough but fuck the scene, fuck being some sideshow. I went in the middle of a dance floor and went crazy for a couple hours. Ross would've been proud.

Beware the rave,
Joel

Say "Yeah Dog" In A Slightly High Voice

Detroit 24 16 .600 - 15-5 9-11 218 179 +39
Kansas City 21 21 .500 4 14-10 7-11 187 179 +8

The Detroit Tigers make all young men feel like Lady Gaga. A few days ago, I think I was on a couch, someone told me that Lady Gaga was my age. I think the person in question was female, though I can't quite remember who. (In all honesty: I was quite drunk. JUST KIDDING :P ) I argued with myself over which smiley face to use before settling on the smiley with his tongue out because I have a quite major problem with drooling. In my private quarters, I droll through life, a spittoon permanently affixed to the nether regions of my face.

The problem with my Dog has persisted, prompting my Mother to converse with the Dog as if my Dog were her Mother. She offered the Dog Xanax today. She didn't take it. If Christmas 2006 taught me anything it's: Don't let your sister get the Dog drunk. Despite the ebullient affects of similar medications on the Hoopster, I refuse to allow my Dog to be medicated.

In the basement of my home, in the corner of a crawl space, a small man lives. He plays the lute daily between the hours of 10-11am. At 2 pm prompt, he emerges to request half a can of SpaghettiO's. If I oblige him, he'll play the song of my choosing. After 6 cans (and twelve servings!) of Franco Amerrrrrrican's best he is proving quite adept at the Traveling Wilburys catalog. When I am stressed I consult with the man over my latest project, writing a play about professional wrestling. He assures me "Put a goat in it and everything will be just fine." If you say so Lazarus. That's the name inscribed on his lute. He said he didn't know his name. I did him the favor of scrawling "Lazarus" on his lute with a wood handled buck knife. He seems quite happy with the moniker, going so far as to serenade me with "Dirty World". I told him they're singing about a car as if it were a woman. He played a low mournful note, indicating that Bob Dylan was singing about a woman unfortunately born with a muffler and rear axle.

The things you can learn from crawl spaces.

I Paid $120,000 and All I Got Was This Lousy Diploma: Postmodernity Post-Graduation

As countless Classes of 2009 commence (my own included), I've found myself with a growing pit in my stomach and a constant feeling of nausea at the possibility of pure freedom. The conflict of the graduated is one between the limitless possibility of the next 50 years combined with a bright eyed earnestness that will no doubt fade in the next 5, and a kind of guilt in letting a perfectly good college degree (a B.F.A. no less!) go to waste with frivolous thoughts of "changing the world" through "eco-nazism" or "living on a boat and totally making a movie about it." And so, to show exactly what the Class of 2009 intends to do (but mostly to prevent this from coming Joel's Personal Blog of Detroit Thoughts), I'm going to blog.

There are, as so many have said, but in so many permutations, only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who, when faced with real, bona fide freedom, welcome it with tenacity and optimism. Those are the true Americans, the pioneers that will change the world, and I feel I am privileged to know at least a few of these kinds of people. And then there are those who cower in the shadows of the familiar when the towering challenge of personal liberty looms over them. I say those, but really I mean "me" because if there is anything I've learned from graduating college, it's that I wish I had never graduated college. The weight of educational life has been lifted, and the weight of the diploma has replaced it. College is an excuse to have the purpose of a goal that in reality is hardly more than somebody saying "Yeah, this kid's alright. You can give him a job if you want." Many people either see this fact and ignore it, or are in fact completely oblivious to it, and these moronically heroic souls find perfectly acceptable lives in what others may deem to be meaningless drone-producing desk jobs. That said, if you are one of these souls who can take the diploma with a smile and say "Yes, I'll gladly pay you a vast sum of money for a piece of paper with my name on it that actually no longer even guarantees me a middle-class existence after I walk across this stage," then perhaps this post is not for you. Or maybe it's precisely for you. I suppose it depends on your perspective.

While I'm attempting to make this conflict a universal trial of the Class of 2009, I can only speak of my own experience as a film student, and hopefully it's thematically relevant to all the other schools and disciplines that claim to be just as important. You see... there's this little thing called postmodernism. And having been bombarded with it for four years (and probably even further back than that), I find it increasingly difficult to let go of it in the post-graduate world. Is it okay for me to be whoring myself, selling a personality that isn't necessarily my own, just for an opportunity to be rejected (or even worse, accepted) by someone whose opinion I hold no stake in? Am I the go-getter in the most zealous sense of the word, heading into the Real World with a chip on my shoulder and something to prove? Or am I the slacker who looks down upon the automatons who come out of college thinking they're going to change the world, while I go get an ironic job as a taxi driver? Or am I the guy who cashes in on being the slacker who looks down on the automatons by making a hit reality show that ironically follows the slacker who ironically became the taxi driver and is now the star of a hit reality show? These are the things that keep me up at night, but then I remember that Larry David was a taxi driver before he made Seinfeld and I feel comfortable with my choice of in fact doing the only thing I came out of college really knowing how to do--drive a taxi.

It's impossible to tell if the cynical approach is the right one for this particular conflict, one that quite literally determines my (our) future. The carrot of limitless possibility and bright-eyed earnestness sure looks a helluva lot better than the stick of becoming a soulless "Hollywood" "player" out of a sick feeling of guilt over letting a lifetime of debt go to waste. But that earnestness will die, and at the same time that guilt will most likely enable me a fairly comfortable lifestyle for myself, so the question becomes is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Do I let my bright eyes become jaded so soon? I cannot allow myself to let my soul die this swiftly. Our earnestness, or zealousness (or even zealotry), our drive to succeed is what has bound us to each other, or at least what has bound me to the people that I've come to call my closest friends. It's this guilt more than any other that drives me to succeed in the truest, purest, most spiritual sense of success. Not the guilt of the empty diploma case sitting in my room waiting for its prize to be mailed to be in 4-6 weeks. But the guilt that I may let my friends down. That I may in fact have been riding on everyone else's coattails, that without a direct circle of support I may never be a part of anything I find to be important ever again. My biggest fear is that without you I am nothing, that all this time I've been faking--tagging along on the brilliance and creativity of my peers. In short, in a post-graduate existence, am I still going to be cool?

I have friends that have written books, directed films, music videos, and experimental art pieces, started websites and businesses, and produced some fantastic musical creations, all before even graduating, and I'm glad to have known them. And while this discourse may seem to be off-topic and personal, it should in fact be all that decides this theoretically universal post-collegiate conflict. I spoke of earnestness and how it will fade, but there is strength in numbers. Without such a strong support system, I would have long since yielded to the shadows of familiarity, cowering in the face of true freedom, and for this newfound confidence I am ever-grateful. But now I look forward to a future on my own, where people come and go, but the idea stays the same. This is my earnestness, my wide-eyed view of what's to come--that even though I may be shedding a layer of skin, a new one will grow underneath.

So to the Class of 2009, I (and who am I but one of you?) say this: Look to the future, don't cling to the past. It'll only get you down.