Sometimes LIfe Feels Damned Good...

If I had been feeling insecure or out of place it would have been idiotic. If I was a business man it would have been a jarring waste of time. Lucky for me, I am Joel Walkowski, curious human being and little else (trust me I'm barely even a student at this point). 

This evening, my brother in arms Bryan and I went for a jaunty night on the town. We are fairly cosmopolitan fellows, especially Bryan who is omnisciently well versed in issues of culture, prose, and music. His insights wow me and I frequently have to muster my best logic just to keep up. He's introduced me to the joys of illustration, the whimsy of Beltre, and a plethora of other gifts but sometimes it's good to waste an hour or two with a great friend. As we dined on Almond Chicken and Broccoli Beef, I brought up my mother's romantic infatuation with historical re-enactors. He cocked a mischievous eyebrow and asked if we should gather our friends and produce a historical reenacting troupe for the ABA. We concluded that Andrew McNally would be Dan Issel but soon faltered in our aim. 

We concluded the ABA was too difficult and lacking of Nick Olah oriented point guards for an adequate comparison. We settled on the 1980's, comparing several members of our friend group to the NBA players whose game suited their personalities. The conversation proved so enjoyable we continued, comparing our friends to 1990's ballers. It should be noted, for posterity's sake of course, that Nico Constantinides was far and away the most difficult to classify. 

Let us commence... 

First and foremost are the rules. The top players from the 80's (Bird, Magic, Jordan, Dr. J, and Isiah) are off limits. As are the top players from the 90's (Jordan, Shaq, Hakeem). Also, ability is of little importance, with the games far by gone we will only remember the stars. This exercise is about how certain basketball styles and iconography's are telling of friend's traits. There are some exceptions for parallel personalities.  

The marriage of Andrew McNally and one Dan Issel is a beautiful thing. I take McNally as a loyal fellow as was Issel during his long tenure for the Denver Nuggets. I can also see McNally becoming a superstar or folk hero if he ever happens to live in Kentucky. Conversely, I see Issel smoking cigarettes in a hammock maligning the state of the world. 

1990's= Vlade Divac . A statesman, flopper, and cheat in the most endearing of ways. Frequently smokes cigarettes in interviews. Fully embraces his status of Yugo cult hero. I trust Andy Mac would do the same. 

Jeff LaPenna: 

We struggled with Jeff a great deal. I saw Jeff's most recent haircut today and said "Wow, you really try to look weird dontcha?". This realization permeated our conversation and we tried to figure out a player who partook in the sport with an unorthodox chip on his shoulder. I'll admit that Jeff had no perfect pairs but we did our best. 

80's: Tom Chambers

Chambers always did the opposite of what was expected. As a borderline effeminate forward with bangs, he played the game with earth shaking power. I argued for Chambers because Jeff is a blackbelt but doesn't boast it in everyday occurrences, only taking it out when it will shock and awe. I remember having a trading card of Chambers holding up the 1987 All-Star Game MVP award and being shocked at his achievement as an eight-year-old. I feel the same way towards Jeff almost everyday. He delivers the unexpected because he does what Jeff wants/needs to do and everything else is garnish. 

We played with the Bill Walton comparison for obvious reasons as well. Jeff could be either. 

90's: Thunder Dan Majerle. 

I think it should be noted that Jeff has been equated with two handsome and shockingly athletic players who got by on their abilities. Jeff has certain attributes that might cause the unknowing to attempt to pigeon hole him. The same thing happened with ol' Dan. As a spry caucasian shooting guard he was put on the fast track to coaching but he never wanted that. Deep down he wanted to own a bar called "Thunder Dan's". Upon checking Wikipedia, I guess he's a coach again... Um... this sort of shoddifies the argument but look into the future... Jeff LaPenna will someday coach the Phoenix Suns. They will body paint the court and flummox foes with their stunning array of hats! 

Brock Alter

80's: Orlando Woolridge

Woolridge wore goggles without needing to, did his job, but transmogrified to whatever the situation required. He played in a myriad of offenses of varying prestige, filling required roles but being inextricably Orlando Woolridge through it all. 

90's: John Starks 

John Starks could be the best player in the NBA or the worst player in the NBA depending on his state of mind. When John Starks was going with it, he was a true superstar. When John  Starks felt the pressure to fulfill preexisting expectations he often choked, shrinking from the occasion to maintain his status as silly John Starks. This comes off as a dis but I see Brock thriving as Brock and failing when attempting to subvert that goal. As whatever, John Starks dunked over Michael Jordan in a crucial game seven possession. As "John Starks", Starks cost his team a championship.

He was a friendly imp and constant provocateur, especially of Reggie Miller and Vernon Maxwell, who played into his trap by being high strung. 

Joel Walkowski (I.E. Me) 

1980's: Charles Barkley 

I am flattered by this comparison as Barkley was my childhood idol. I thought it might be because of our outspoken, world as a playground personalities, but personalities don't count, only the game. 80's Barkley had yet to fully understand his gifts but they were of the extremely unusual sort, stemming from his unique upbringing. Lore has it that Barkley gained his jumping ability when boredom caused him to jump over and over a fence for hours. When I tell a strange story at parties, when I write something enjoyably strange, I trace it back to some quirk of youth, pinpointing it's origin with ease. I am a strange collection of foibles and gifts, though my ambition is insatiable, I don't always serve my goals well. To wit: Barkley was a horrid defender and never tried on D. Joel Walkowski, wastes too much time and is easily distracted/consumed by unnecessary whims. 

Also, I really like food. Today in class I wrote the word "food" across my knuckles. 

1990's: Cedric Ceballos (Bryan said Shawn Kemp but only after I was displeased with Ceballos)

Ceballos was a show off. He dunked with a blind fold on.  He is a show off, I play Tenori-On. He could be a great player when he wanted but a horrible malcontent when not controlling his own universe. He was quit the Lakers for two months in the middle of the season, only to return for a playoff run.  For an apt comparison witness me in any classroom this semester. I stare at walls and draw creatures called Borgs while others take notes. 

Nick Olah 

1980's: Scottie Pippen 

Like Pippen, Nick is incredibly versatile, likes to help others, and displays an amazing ability at certain things. Like Pippen, Nick is sometimes neglectful of his own person. Pippen got splitting headaches for three years before getting a pair of bifocals that fixed the problem. Nick gets stomachaches after almost every meal but doesn't see this as the onus to do anything. Also, I think Nick knows he can succeed in certain tasks regardless of his surroundings, though this confidence could really get him down if abused. Pippen refused to play when a last second shot was called for him. I doubt Nick would work on one of my movies if I decided Toni Kukoc was going to be the editor... that might be a bad example. 

1990's: Dikembe Mutombo 

I vividly remember sneaking away from my first communion party (a really big deal for the Polish) to watch the last few minutes of game 5 of the Nuggets/Sonics first round series. The Nuggets won the game, securing the greatest first round upset in NBA History. As hoopla commenced around the court, Mutombo grabbed the ball, lay down on the ground, and shrieked. Nick performs similar tasks almost daily. 

John Scaramucci

80's AND 90's: Joe Dumars 

Both seem commonplace but quietly excel. Both are smarter/wiser than average folks because of good hearts, old souls, and preternatural wisdom. This one was easy. 

Heidi Knappenberger 

There are often two Heidi's. One appears sullen and agitated in class, looking bored and eager to leave. The other laughs, speaks in funny voices, and rises to be the life of the party when the time is right. 

We equated class Heidi with the 1980's and Robert Parish. Parish succeeded while seemingly bored with his work. I've tried to write papers with Heidi only to have her teach me about "Nailin Paylin". Parish went through the motions but still managed to be a superstar. 

1990's Heidi = Rik Smits, often known as the "Dunkin Dutchman". Smits was perhaps the goofiest NBA player of all time. At 7 foot 4 and wearing a head covered in feathered locks, he appears as something Heidi might impersonate to the extreme amusement of one Mr. LaPenna. Far from a novelty, Smits and these characters possess a wide gamut of skills or windows into society's absurd inner workings. You realize such a weird thing is being effective but it's too late. You've already seen the substance. Smits had a crazy sky hook, too. 

Dan 

1980's: Kareem Abdul -Jabbar post 1986 

Kind of a ninny but really effective. Liable to slap at a moment's provocation and glide around unnoticed. Also, I can't ignore physical similarities. Both have been known to wear somewhat silly glasses and are brethren in the brotherhood of gaunt. Kareem skied over all contenders without breaking a sweat. Dan sleeps 18 hours a day but is a full time student and employee. I swear to god the kid's weeks are 340 hours long. Also, Dan benefits from a strong guiding hand that isn't afraid to yell at him, coaxing him to be the best he can be. I think back to his time toting a pseudo teacher around school and see Chauncey, his liege, as Dan's point guard. 

1990's: Greg Ostertag

He just funny. 

Matt Goodwin

80's and 90's: James "Buddha" Edwards... uh yeah! 

Chau Tu

80's: Big Game James Worthy 

Isn't necessarily an underdog, but achieves on their own accord without bogging down others. Being part of a team is no big thing either. The argument is weak here but it just made sense. I proposed James for Chau and he shrieked "YES! I always loved James Worthy!" 

90's: Grant Hill 

Smooth, gliding, cool, and collected. Grant played piano in his spare time and had a white collar quality that didn't harm his street cred. Chau astounds with her level of dedication to her chosen path but doesn't bear burdens of being a "sell-out" or "over worked". Makes the arduous seem effortless. Also, it was hard to decide which of Bryan and Chau were Steve Smith and which was Grant Hill. Smith and Hill are basketball soulmates and I'd like to lump the Hood and the Tu into similar categories. 

Bryan Hood:  

90's: Steve Smith: See the above reasons. Smith flew below the radar for much of his career but quietly and consistently led his Hawks team to the second round. Smith paid no credence to what was expected of an NBA player, becoming a bona-fide philanthropist and scholar during his career. Bryan befriends his underlings at work. Both respect their positions enough not to buy 20 year old kids booze though I can't be sure about Smith. Also, Bryan's scholarship proves intimidating at times but it only coaxes better conversation. Unlike so many glib talks I have to back up my ludicrous statements with evidence. 

80's Clyde "The Glide" Drexler 

This is another selection that delighted Bryan. He eagerly informed me that he used to parade around his house as a 4-year-old pretending to be Drexler. Drexler did his duty, slashing and swimming to the hole with utter freedom. Others tried to boggle Drexler down with comparisons to the likes of Jordan but near-zen like, Drexler quietly kept playing the game. I've witnessed Bryan march through a series of professional successes, failures, and falters but he attacks each day the same way: In plaid! 

Nico Constantinides

Nico was far and away the hardest friend to classify. We looked for a player who played weird but didn't know it. We pitched player upon player of varying strengths but at the end of the day I must concede that Nico continues to defy explanation. 

However...if I were to stretch I would say 

80's: Wayman Tisdale 

If only because he cared more about the saxophone than anything else. This seems aligned with Nico's stated ambitions. Wayman had a quiet workmanlike quality but still played as if orchestrated by music. Watching Nico do something, anything really, I struggle to hear the underscore that controls his movements. 

90's: Chris Webber

Whoopsies!