The Survey Says...

    Dearest Friends (And Family For I've Decided To Include My Parents And Sister In On This E-Mail), 

There are two reasons I am writing this e-mail: 

A) My good mutant muchacho Brock  has recently instituted a policy where our friend group aligns for a showcase each month. It is good to share, especially with these wonderful genius people. 

B) I have been reading a lot of economic mumbo jumbo as pertaining to sociological manners. This can be found in the form of Malcolm Gladwell's The Outliers which would have been a wonderful book if he didn't realize it was going to be so good. 

As such I am writing you with the humble request to fill out a survey of key questions. I asked what I felt was necessary to ask and nothing but my slipstream consciousness is evident on the page. The questions are far from easy but I hope each of you answers it as honestly and accurately as you can. I will do the same, sharing my results on Newhindenburg.blogspot.com within the next few hours. 

My goal in this is simple.... Having being wowed by sets of figures and survey results I have taken it upon myself to garner a wealth of raw information. I don't have any interest in mathematics or architecture so I figured I would garner information, an essence if you will, of those closest to me. My hypothesis: A story lies within everyone. My goal: to find the story that's going on. 

If you have the good faith and free time I would very much like to use your efforts in hopes of someday deciphering a concept, near and dear to my chest that I refer to as "The Great Narrative". 

-Joel Walkowski, esquire magazine subscriber

My results: 

The Winter 2008 Self Assessment and Research Survey

 

Basics

 

Name: Joel Cullen Walkowski

Age: 22

Gender: Male

Height: 6’3 though my Driver’s License Says 6’4
Weight: 215

Place of Origin: Born in Southfield, Michigan, raised in Dearborn, Michigan, currently languishing in Los Angeles, California

What Is Your Ethnic Origin: Irish/Polish… Perfect Mix For Lots of Drinking I suppose

How Would You Describe Your Love Life: Bleak, Narcissistic, and Envious but holding out for Magic

Your Family Life: I talk to my Mom a lot but regard my Father and Sister as near strangers and as such, am terrified to see them.

Your Friendship Life: Excellent. I try to give my best to those closest to me. Though I love the people surrounding me I sometimes have to stifle the urge to run into the desert and subsist off of possums without ever having another conversation.

Current Lifestyle: Allows me to become an expert on basketball and have long conversations when they are warranted. On the other hand, I don’t do much for myself.

How Good Are You At Math: Terrible

What Do You Enjoy Wasting Time On: Reading about basketball, playing catch, talking with Nick about the most trivial of matters, reading books I know I will forget, pretending to be mentally retarded, rubbing my belly.

What Is Your Favorite Food: Orange Chicken

Do You Wear A Watch: No

How Would You Describe Your Personal Fashion Sense: Most of my clothes were given to me in a garbage bag. As a result I am usually dressed like I am either about to play basketball or sleep in a teepee. I also wear unitards.

 

Professional/Creative

 

What Is Your Ultimate Be All End All Goal: To live in a Hogan Home funded by displays of my brilliance with a wife I love and my six daughters.  If this doesn’t pan out I would very much like to fill Will Ferrell’s shoes as America’s Favorite Drunken Clown.

How Do You Get Closer To This: Keep writing, living, and imagining. Also: open my heart as wide as it can go and let everyone inside.

What Are Your Fallback Plans: Work on a sitcom, play Tenori-On on the street, find work somewhere anywhere in a zoo. 

Of The Past Year…Of What Are You Proudest: Writing a novel, being well liked by children, generally acting like an imbecile.

Of The Past Year… Of What Are You Least Proud Of (Don’t share if you are uncomfortable): Putting off the novel to read about basketball and watch pornography, pick one of eleven or twelve depressing nights. 

 What Was The Most Fun Day Of The Past Year: Christmas Eve 2007. My Mother, dear friends, and I had an excellent dinner of shrimp. Afterwards, I went upstairs and wrote 40 pages. Then, I picked up Pete for a depressing breakfast at Big Boy. Afterwards, we peeked into family windows as they opened their presents.

What Was A Bad Day:  My first day of French III. Being so far behind and requisitely an imbecile put me far behind in the class. I looked at Sourya, an overweight Indian man with a command of the language and wished I were he. He plays video games for four hours a day and I was ready to give up everything, for a grade, to become him. No offense if you’re reading Sourya, I think you’re tops but we are VASTLY different creatures.

If You Could Get Paid To Do One Thing What Would It Be: Act weird and scream in public.

If You Could Live Anywhere Where Would It Be: Rome

What Is Your Career GPA: 3.65/college 2.5/high school

What Was Your SAT/ACT Score: 28 but this was skewed by a 17 in Math and a 26 in Reading.

PEPSI or COKE: Pepsi

Describe Your Work Habits: I wait for days and days to get in the zone. If I don’t get into the zone it is a bad day but if I do I am liable to walk arou8nd happily in the early hours and drink one beer in a meadow of USC’s campus. 

Draw A Cartoon (Use Microsoft Paint or Photoshop If Necessary): I put it at the top of this post. If you lacked context, I have utilized my entire Chinese History class to draw a series of bulbous creatures known as Borgs that always say “BORG”. This is a Bog on Halloween, dressed as a ghost, scaring another Borg.

Write A Haiku:

A rash on my thigh.

I itched but told my lover

“They’re constellations”

Describe a Fun Dream You Have Had:

I dreamed that Brock and I were riding on a plane that had been affixed with a bomb. We both knew, beforehand, that a bomb was on the plane… but decided the easiest was out was to built a train that would aide in our escape from the plane. We did. We lived. The would be bomber was this fellow who worked at Zemeckis two years ago and yelled at me once.

If You Do Drugs or Partake In Copious Amounts of Alcohol How Do You Feel When Affected: Pretty good, slightly weird, only mournful when awake waaaaaaaay past my bedtime.

Off The Top Of Your Head…If You Could Dedicate Yourself To ONE Thing What Would It Be: Guerilla Playgrounds!!!!!!!!

 

In Flux

What Will You Be Doing In A Year: No idea. I'm a failure waiting to happen. 

In A Month: Spending idle time w/ Mom and Sister

In A Week: Fretting over the novel

Tomorrow: Fretting over the novel and perhaps taking a beautiful girl on a long walk.

Why: Because I have no idea where the winds will take me. I am powerless in their grasps but it is oh so necessary to strive

Describe What You Find To Be Meaningful: Making people smile, laugh, and play.

Attempt To Explain A Concept You Hold Near And Dear But Fear Others Will Not Understand:

The Great Narrative is a lot like destiny without the force and aided by a shrewd sense of humor. T.G.N. understands how pitiful and hilarious are the existences shared by human, cacti, and dolphins and provides a reason for every peony interaction. Like God, but nice, free flowing, open-sourced, and willing to be scribed by his loyal denizens.

What Do You Do Immediately After Waking Up: Stare at Nick, stumble downstairs, find moccasins, plan my trek to school or read 5-10 pages of some bullshit.

How Good Are You At Math: Terrible

If You Could Change One Thing About Yourself What Would It Be: I’d like to be accepting of everything!!! J Without a debate first…

If You Could Point One Good Thing About Yourself To Others What Would It Be:

The thing I am predisposed to point to is the thing I already know… I am a fairly good writer. I know this and would happy if you noticed if I’d have shaved recently.