When The Man Comes Around

The black man sped in on his moped. 

Then he sped back around. 

Such is the state of suburban affairs

When Roy Williams lives in town. 

White Lions guard his driveway 

and the pizza crusts in his trash

Trips to McDonald's before a lay

 Texas tappin' that ass. 

He delivers pizzas on his off days

The surefire antidote for pro sports stolid malaise

He might be cocky, so rude, so brash, 

but there's room in my heart for a bit of the flash. 

In a land filled with doldrums, 

Roy is the gum drop king. 

Solving another first down conundrum

Performing his mighty celebratory swing. 

First Down Lions! 

Growl Grrr Growl 

The aerial attack is flying 

With Mega and Legend on the prowl

Footballs caught with one hand

Another snagged with the nose. 

When Roy takes the field,  men strike up the band

While women wet their panty hose. 

He doesn't know how to carry the pigskin

Or where to take a date. 

But on  occasions where he guarantees a win. 

The Lions tempt their fate

But hence such hate? 

As thou sayeth Roy ain't great? 

Receiver speed, but plays physical like Gates

Such a specimen take the cake. 

We might not have been the best. Strike that we were awful. 

The team sure stunk, but we always had funk

In Roy, the complete opposite of bashful. 

Goodnight sweet prince, may you sleep with the stars

T.O., Romo, and honky tonk bars. 

You leave us behind at 0-5 

and without you no hope is alive

Sure we may win

But is it a sin

To rather lose with a smile

Than get a win so grim? 

And so you depart, for a hero's return 

To your beloved Lone Star State 

Don't you dare spurn

The proud fans of the Lions, chanting forever "Roy is great!" 

******

My name is Jim. I love my brother Mark to death, but even I realize that he doesn't deserve much of the joy he's encountered. He kills beauty. He accidentally destroys World War II monuments. 

Mark is a bit of a fuck-up. He keeps a fifth of whiskey in his desk drawer at work and a porno magazine in his briefcase. He isn't a sleaze-ball, just naive enough not to realize that somethings are fundamentally uncouth. Mark dates a string of floozies, loose pool hall types who seem like a tempting enough fling before the relationship inevitably ends in tragedy. 

Cindy seemed like a good girl, but she was simply too insecure to enjoy herself. 

Karen was so promising at first. The relationships first days were electric and full of hope. She even showed up to Thanksgiving dinner and brought a delicious stuffing that everyone agreed was sublime. Later we found out she was on Quaaludes and stole half of our wallets before later returning 2/3rds of them. 

Lisa was chubby. Chubby and lazy. 

But Mary Beth, she was something special. 

She burst into Mark's life and it seemed too good to be true. Would this be the rare woman to turn Mark's life around. her brilliance was enough to manifest itself in Mark from time to time. He started showing up for work on time and occasionally making it awake through an entire work day. She was a gift. We were all in awe of her. She brought her man flowers. She baked him fresh made pies. We waited for Mark to return the favor and help Mary Beth blossom into the special creature she was meant to be. 

We wait. Mark begins to fuck up. Mary Beth gets frustrated. Mark is dragging her down. She starts dropping hints about her displeasure. Finally Mark dumps her, sure he's doing the right thing. 

This could have been the girl of his dreams. Now we're all going to watch as she becomes an ultimately splendid creature while Mark keeps drinking at work. 

The break-up was the best thing that ever happened to Mary Beth. 

Today's trade was the best thing to ever happen to Roy Williams. Watching him for the past four years, he has become one of my favorite athletes of all time. His gifts are indisputable but he couldn't succeed in Detroit. I waited, hoped, wished for his breakthrough year but it never came. 

Now he's a Dallas Cowboy. He'll immediately become a superstar. How does one react when four years of emotional investment gets flushed down the drain in some bizarre house cleaning operation? Well it pains me to say this but "HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!" 

Knock 'em dead. Show the world what we knew all along. Escape the Detroit sewer and catch beautiful touchdown passes from Tony Romo and win Super Bowl MVPs. 

Godspeed mon frere. 

I'll miss you.