A Party Down In The Docks Where You Where A Lot Of Frocks

People get down on themselves. This conundrum of self loathing fuels depression, suicides, and binging (on drugs, on food, on tacos made of heroine)--but much of this can be traced back to too much free time. The mind is an active center control system scanning all functions of the body including that of potential. When the brain is inactive or say daydreaming in French Class for the sake of argument it is quite easy to examine the possibilities before deciding that yours is the most undesirable of options. This thought probably wouldn't get thought if you were a) skydiving b) really into puzzles and were hard at work on a three dimensional puzzle of the Lourve c) just dropped something and were trying to catch it before it fell to the ground.

Unabated to a challenge (I use this word because football referees think it when discussing plays occurring "unabated to the quarterback"), the mind might turn to slush and the days into mush, but thinking back to days when I thought myself lazy, unproductive, or covered in a flesh eating virus, I realize that I always envision myself as happy, casting my former life in a golden sheen I'm certain wasn't there at the time. For one thing, everyone in my mind wears bandannas and dances the tarantella at the drop of a hat. I am not Malcolm Gladwell and am thusly under qualified to explore this phenomenon, but it is powerful. And wonderful.

Why be unhappy now when you realize you'll be happy later?
Today's problems are tomorrow's footnotes.

Nothing exhibits this phenomenon as well as food. You can learn quite a bit from a pound cake. Food indicates mood, feeling, and expression as well as I don't know an author who does those things quite well. This should be so. Outside of food and sex is there anything that links us all so inextricably. If one isn't on the brain, there's a good chance the other is. If you're especially dynamic you might even find the two intermingling. (Author's Note: Yeah, I could dig that).

When I was a little kid my Mom ate a dessert that looked a lot like a tarantula. She stopped eating desserts that looked like arachnids when she decided it was time to lose some weight. Losing weight was attacked on many measures-peer support, walking, keeping a journal of food she ate. It succeeded but I was left wondering what someone would gain by writing down the food they ate. Was it because my Mom loved food because she really loves food. Returning home from a date or foreign land her first question was and will remain "What'd you eat?"

Perhaps Mother's love of food did not root behind this equation. Maybe she'd stumbled onto the realization that everything looks good in hindsight. She could read the journal relishing in the relish, textured vegetable protein, and dates comprising her diet. On the other hand, she could have had the opposite, adverse realization. Reading of her dalliances with Dilly Bars (that reference goes out to my cousins), entire cartons of ice cream, and hot dogs fished from garbage cans (I made that one up), she embarked on a guilt trip down memory lane.

Undoubtedly, Mom will read this essay and deign to answer. She is quite the correspondent and I can expect a phone call, youtube video, or some article clipped from the New York Times that somehow sums up her feelings on the matter. Little does Mom realize that her clippings are often misunderstood. A note reading "Follow your muse" was attached to an article about television shows canceled after one episode. I read about "Emily's Reasons Why Not" and "The Rich List" before throwing the article to the ground in a fit of confusion. Then I saw that the opposite side had a piece on David Foster Wallace's control of the English Language.

Answers can be slippery. For truth one must peek inside at the demons and miles of intestinal tract. I don't have a good memory these days, a few too many concussions will do that, but I will analyze some of the meals I remember and try to figure out exactly what is was Mom was trying to figure out.

Tuesday October 14, 2008

2:00am.
Two Toaster Strudels, kind of cold in the middle.
I thought Toaster Strudels were too hard to cook until a week ago. On sale at Ralph's the prospect of spreading my own frosting was no longer so daunting. And nor should it have been. I have been spreading my own frosting on Cinnamon Roles for years. The convenience of the toaster induces a craving for immediate satisfaction.
I ate the first 3 in the box while watching the Today Show in hopes they would have another reunion of long ago movies. The piece on Airplane a few weeks back was simply sublime. I spread the frosting while they were still in the toaster oven. I tried to pick them up but could only make it to the kitchen table before they burned my hand. Dan walked inside after seeing a Black Widow outside.
"You eating Toaster Strudel?"
"Yeah. I guess so."
[The two take a moment to analyze the Strudels]
"God the frosting really looks a lot like semen."

Monday October 13th
11:00 PM
A bowl of Honey Nut Clusters, a knock off of Honey Bunches of Oats. I eat them in bed while reading an unexpectedly erotic novel. I feel tinglings of revolution in the form of paper bag communities in places it doesn't rain. God, it'd be great to be homeless in Los Angeles. It'd be great to teach English overseas. It'd be great, fucking great, to make another feature.
I try to talk to Nick, Appu, and Justin about the eroticism. I realize Lesbian Scenes aren't very beautiful or insightful when I read them.

8:30 PM
I eat a bowl of Ramen and it is perfect.
I make another bowl of Ramen.
I make two sausages and put them on top of the Ramen. I hand one sausage to Brock but it is too hot for him to hold. We dip the sausages in Mustard and Ranch Dressing. The Ranch is very good, damned tongue tickling treat of the God's good, making my disdain for Ranch grow a little bit more. In my mind Condiments should be complementary. While I love Ranch dressing, it is the boy in school who overachieves and outshines everyone else. Yes, we know you're great but can you let someone else have a speck of the spotlight for once? It's addictive stuff that Ranch.
The second bowl of Ramen doesn't taste nearly as good.

4:00 PM
Talapia with Tahini on Everything Bagels made on a Panini Press.
Talapia is a very crumbly fish. I struggle to spatula the fish from the grill, wondering if this is why Talapia is so cheap. I eat the two sandwiches and have the best studying of my life for tomorrow's French Midterm. Fish truly is brain food. Tahini tastes like an exotic land good for honeymooning.

10:00 AM
Bowl of Honey Nut Clusters.
This cereal business isn't half bad. I can see what Appu and the Squirrels in the commercial are talking about. Just another instance of Appu enriching all of our lives. I eat this bowl while conversing with Appu making it a defining Appu experience. We decide to walk to school together but circumstances do not permit. No matter, with Nut Clusters in my tummy Appu is with me every step of the trek. It doesn't seem as long as it usually does.

Sunday October 12th

8:00 PM
Pineapple with Cinnamon, Hot Sauce, and a touch of Mrs. Buttersworth over rice.
My old Mormon roommates tried to make a similar dish because "Mormons have a lot of kids to feed and this is cheap." I attempted to look up the recipe but can't recall the proper name. I eat it while half-dreaming half-watching television. It is unquestionably delicious but the pineapples have dropped the "pine" portion of their flavor and taste merely like "apples". Tasting like apples makes them taste like autumn. I hearken back to wonderful moments spent at Apple Orchards growing up...
1) Dan and I drove to an apple orchard when I was 18 and he was 11. We hit pumpkins with golf clubs and stole a bunch of signs promoting the "New Baltimore Apple Fest". We replace signs for Bush and Kerry with signs for the "Apple Fest" in doing so Dan grabs a sign covered in Motor Oil and ruins his jacket. He complained about this for over a year.
2) Mom, Dad, Tess, Boon (our Thai exchange student), and myself go to the Apple Orchard for a fun filled afternoon. I read Rolling Stone magazine on the way back and know what the cutting edge feels like.
3) Numerous times eating fresh donuts and drinking hot apple cider with Fall's first frost on the ground.
4) Way back when my Mother took her class on a field trip to the Orchard but forgot to confirm with Apple Charlie, the orchard's C.E.O. if orchards had C.E.O.'s. It is much better than calling him the farmer and slightly better than calling him the Orchard's Entrepreneur. She calls the Orchard at 10:00 pm, rousing Apple Charlie from his sleep. He confirms that they can visit. Mom is mortified by waking him, luckily unaware of the hard hours of an Apple Orchard Connesuir.
5) Gathering at an Apple Orchard for a fight before a sudden blizzard. Whoops. That was in a book I read.

Nick comes in and proclaims "It smells delicious." I would offer him some but it is almost gone and I have trouble giving food to someone who hasn't gone grocery shopping since August.
I finish my dish and get a crippling stomache ache. Karmatically induced, of course.

11:00AM
A bit of this that and everything.
At Barney's Beanery to watch the Lions Game and eat a tremendous breakfast I am disappointed when my Huevos Rancheros come covered in Peppers and Onions fajita style. I appreciate their flavors but can't get over their disruptive texture when eaten with other foods. I eat the entire meal wishing I ordered something else. Thankfully, Nick lets me eat the crust of his breakfast calzone.
Later, we get a free order of cheese sticks and I get a glass of Miller High Life to celebrate the Lions first victory. They promptly shit the bed.

Saturday October 11
McDonald's
The clerk tries to buy my Lil' Wayne shirt with the boobs on it.
We can't stick the Monopoly pieces on the game board. I could when I was little.
This is the 5th time Appu ate fast food in the span of two days. He is still little in many regards. God bless.