Dear Loved Ones/Those Who Have Come To Be The Best/Stranger That Read This Blog,
I've been myself for a long time. Against all odds I have loved you, made you laugh, and induced dizziness with the sheer scope of my ambition & ambition. How many times have we held each other up, lifting the other with our imagination, creativity, and love. A simple and succinct note: if you're reading this blog, I'd be nowhere if not for you.
It was a lie. I gave it up years ago. I've moved on. Grown to new expectations.
A few months ago, I was awake late at night gripped in the worst thoughts of my life". I looked at my life, emphasizing every aspect in order to escape. I couldn't. I hated who I was. I hated what I was doing. Sitting in bed, below a masturbating Nick, I wished I was someone/anyone else. Someone less goofy, less insecure, less cocky and cocksure.
I can't distract myself with myself, my feelings, basketball, and ambitions any longer...
I know why I'm here.
I'm here to make something beautiful. Something transcendent, all encompassing, offensive, and perverted. I want to express myself. Make you laugh. Make you shudder in fear and disgust. I want to make you disrespect me but manage to let you know where I'm coming from.
I want to make a beautiful story.
Be it a book, movie, play, or Hip-Hop Album.
Something in me resonates.
A quirk or qualm
Or amazing occurrence
Goes beyond me and into you.
You don't know me.
But you know where I'm coming from.
5 pages a day isn't enough. It's all I can handle but it isn't enough. Something lives and breathes deep within me. I have built into something else, approaching it from the wrong angles.
This doesn't mean I won't get there. I hear that champion song!!!
I thought I gave myself a heart attack yesterday. For the second time in my life, I believed that I was dying. I guess I should have told some one. I didn't.
I sat silent and suffered. I was scared out of my mind but didn't want to burden you.
More than that... My love for you! For everyone and everything! (You are all so great, so magnificent that blogs can never capture the magnitude of your amazing).
I might be wrong, you might be shit, but I doubt it.
If I could look through the annals of history, at every person who has chanced their way into existence, and be allowed to choose the 30 people who made up the biggest part of my life...
For the 30...
Out of the innumerable billions...
Of all existence...
25 of the same thirty would remain the same. The other 5 would be: Shawn kemp, John Kennedy Toole, The Snowman, The First Caveman, and Weezy F Baby.
I'm lucky to be here. Happy to be alive.
There is a great task before me.
I thought I would let it kill me.
It won't.
It will only make me stronger,
I will grow bigger
And love you more.
I'll give you my best.
I don't want to go to school. I don't want my time wasted.
I've been really hurt but I won't lash back.
You were right.
I sort of suck sometimes.
Sorry if you were there for those times.
Even if I seemed weak, grabby, and vulnerable...
They helped me grow.
I'm bigger now....
STRONGER!
It hurts but I will get over it.
I am Joel.
For now and forever...
You w0n't believe me...
But I disregard unhappiness, insecurity.
I want to be me.
I want to be happy.
Play sports, watch sports, make the old smile
Give everyone I meet a time worth the while.
When you leave me...
I hope you'll grin.
stupid happiness?
that's where we begin.
I'm sick of the boredom.
those strifes!
these scares!
can we escape anywhere?
yes.
go inside.
it's where we ought to be.
let's grow big.
it's where we ought to be....
Footnote: I'm giving my life to this shit. Goodbye World. Sorry for beating your sorry ass. I'm defining you from here on out fella...
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