The Fear of Transcending; of Modernity

Dear Friends and Family, 

Why must we pick where we live six months before we live there? 

Why do our friends, family, and geographic origins resonate with us to such an extensive extent? (I guess it's love, but whatevs on that front, love is a bitch. a distracting scourge. a preventative measure against the person we ought to be). 

I see my life, my habits, my Mr. T piggy bank, and I like them all,  but I don't see any truth. Nothing transcends my bullshit, my own fears and insecurities. When things happen, they ought to happen for no reason at all. 

This ain't new, it's old news. 

I had this same thought two years ago in Paris. I was sitting in Gare de Lyon drinking wine and feeling lonely (like usual). I realized that so much of everything was born out of insecurity, born out of fear of failure, burdened by a person's downfalls. 

That ain't how it ought to be. We're better than that. We can do better. 

For no reason at all. 

If you have hope... If you harbor expectations... You're only asking for failure. I don't take Adderall to focus. I take it to feel something. Some emotion, some hope. I know we get drunk, high, and happy creating worlds and realms and all sorts of wonderful things. That ain't enough. 

We can do better. 

We can break free. 

I am in college so that I can someday fulfill my dreams. 

I set aside my time, my money, my energy for a month to fulfill a dream. 

My own idea of myself. It could be beautiful and wondrous.

It was pure ego and self loathing. I couldn't love myself until I finished it. 

That's bullshit, pure conjecture to the highest regard and extent of offensiveness. 

We can do better. 

We can break free. 

My ego has been killing me... All because I dared to dream. Staring at my dream, my future, my passion... I knew I would never get there. At least not like this. Even if I stayed strong, true to myself, loyal to the cause, it'd be nothing but bullshit. If I do it for myself I might as well not do it at all. 

You only tell stories for someone else. 

I don't need to prove anything to myself, save for a clear American determination. 

Why the hell would I do that?

I thought I'd feel something, some underlying force that would make me grow stronger and legitimize all of my failures. 

That isn't what this is about. 

It's about love. 

JOIE DE VIVRE

If not this, then nothing. 

I will not submit myself to goals, ambition, or fears. The only thing worth living for... The only thing that warrants our love is... JOIE DE VIVRE

The passion, the gusto. 

If not this, then nothing. 

For no reason at all. 

I recently decided to disregard my dreams and snuff my ambitions. It hurts like hell to lose something so close to me, a bit of myself I fostered since youth, since that underlying insecurity. 

I don't care. 

As you die. As you writhe in agony, begging for life, for sustenance, I will watch with a smile on my face. You wretch! I will love to watch you languish! 

We dedicate  ourselves to film, economics, writing novels, playing basketball, anything that harbors safety for that good old fashioned ambition... We exert ourselves, but deep down, we don't care. It isn't us. We don't love it. Success won't do much. It will only allow us to love ourselves. 

Love yourself now. YOU DON'T NEED TO PROVE ANYTHING. YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOW ANYTHING. 

There's a lot of love in my life. Great friends, wonderful relationships, though I wish the woman situation (in each and every case, a scar, a scab, a burden to carry and bury) were better, but I try to be above it all. 

We need to realize, WE HAVE TO KNOW, that every day is a blessing. We are so fucking lucky to be humans. Food is good! Sex is great! No creature is blessed like we are! With this in mind, why do we go to school, why do we look inside (at our ugly imbalances and grisly failures)? We should try. We should go and go and go and go.... 

But only if we mean it.  If we don't mean it, everything is nothing. 

Let's dance fuckers. 

Let's shoot guns off overpasses. 

Let's eat thousands and thousands of tacos. 

We don't owe the world anything except advice... 

"Love every minute. If you don't, you fail."

I vow to love you, to take you in, nourish you, and make you my own. It's a long road... disregarding hope, dream, and ambition, but such is the path for me. 

Chase what you love. 

Do what you ought to. 

Follow the spirit. If nothing else. 

Even if you go after life, encountering success, and finding some semblance of happiness, there will be a void. 

You deserve to be happy. You don't have to fear. 

Just go. 

Just love. 

Every moment. 

Every fear. 

We only fail when we frown. 

I love you all, so much. 

Joel Walkowski

PS This post was intended to describe how I like rap songs that begin with piano riffs. They merge the classic conceptions, things we have been conditioned to recognize, with sheer modern ambition, utter gusto! 

I'll be happy forever. Who's with me?