What I've Learned...

Like the rest of the world, I am slowly being weened off the influence of Print Media, though it's been a great friend so far. It's offered legitimacy and made every Thursday (Wednesday since moving to California) as "Sports Illustrated Day". Even still, it is twittered to shreds, day by day by nonstop onslaughts of information, rumors, and speculation that cloud the mind with data, rendering ink stained hands nearly a relic.  A sterling exception to this rule is Esquire Magazine, specifically Esquire Magazine's "What I've Learned" issue. In this issue--published every December,   people from various fields tell their lessons in unadultered, bullet point format. Over the past three years, these issues have given me more than any book, idea, or poet. Reading the abbreviated wisdom of Muhammad Ali does wonders to a man. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think about Muhammad Ali's lesson of "what you are thinking about, you are becoming". I read this passage the day, sat down and finished the first draft of my novel. It rung through my head as I finished the second draft. I will hear it numerous times as I inch nearer and nearer to completion of my ultimate, be all, end all goal of writing a good novel that represents my soul, before moving on to the next ultimate be all end all goal. 

Joel Walkowski, 22, is a recent college graduate, comedian, and writer from Detroit, Michigan. 

Never pursue a woman unless you can talk to her like you talk to your best friend. Short of that, you'll try too hard and embarrass all parties. If this happens, you can turn it into an essay and friendship but little else. If you find, at a later date, that you're able to talk to her like a great friend: embrace the friendship. 

If you want to write, some nights will easy, some nights will be hard. If you go at each night with this singular purpose, you'll notice that the nights you don't care are when you do your best work. In this regards, everything in life can be traced back to Sports. If you go all out, balls deep with effort, you'll over play and undermine your abilities with extra effort. Let the game come to you and you'll control it all. 

This doesn't apply if you play Linebacker, Defensive Line, or want to direct a feature film.

Also, it's quite hard to admit when you don't have your "A" Game. 

If life gets hard, pretend you're someone else for a little while. The power of pretending to be a Long Island Housewife or Mother of Cactuses has pushed the restart button for me many times. 

Four or Maybe Six Hours a week you will be possessed by a singular purpose, a feeling you'll cling to as your reason for being. There are two ways to take this. You can either feel bad because it doesn't take a stronger hold or work to make it a bigger part of your life. There is only one approach that makes life worth living...

Eat good meals daily, even if they have to be fried multiple times. The smile  is worth the smile. 

Exercise and inspiration make life feel equally good but you can only force one of them. A game of tackle football feels much better than several scotches. 

If someone grants you the gift of their conversation, you owe it to them to give everything in return. 

Armed with a proper frame of reference, all life's lessons can be gleaned from a single NBA Playoff game. 

As far as I know the best feelings in the world are: 1) Being surrounded by a universe formed in friendship 2) Completing a large scale project 3) Seeing your team win a championship 4) Being in love. These are in no particular order, no should they be. 

Money doesn't matter. Spend it. Even if you don't have it. If you're worrying about it they've got you. 

If I can't have a decent conversation with someone they earn my immediate distrust and scorn. I believe the same beliefs are hoisted upon me. That's how it goes. Sometimes you meet, often times you judge, but don't forget that you're getting the same treatment from them. 

If a group of people give the gift of their attention, you better do something damned good with it. Think of the time spent awash in your presence. You'd be hurting the world if you didn't go all out to inform, enlighten, or entertain. I think of this every time I have a group conversation. Some hate me for my aggrandizing ways but those who understand, those who love me, appreciate these efforts. Because of this I know we'll be friends forever. 

Find a good friend. Find another good friend. Keep finding. Try your best to build everyone up and they'll return the favor. Keep it up and before you know it: voila! You're surrounded by a framework of caring, like-minded people. That's what it's all about isn't it. 

Sometimes you need to act crazy to feel sane. If I've ever picked you up at a party, sprinted 100 yards with ya'll over my shoulder before collapsing in an asthmatic heap, this is the reason. 

Back when I was 17, I took on a large goal I had no business achieving. By some cosmic fluke I achieved it. Since then, I haven't felt at home unless I was combatting every element on the way to some place greater. In short, certain moments define you. Don't ignore these moments. They pave the way. 

Good friends hate you sometimes. Great friends love you even though they hate you. If you're a good friend, you'll listen and shape the fuck up. If you're a great friend, you'll let them set your hair on fire because you need the ass kicking. 

Never let a woman ruin a friendship. You can't control a woman but you can control acting like a stubborn douche. 

Several works will strike you as pure genius as young man or woman. You'll grow up, holding these close to your heart, but don't forget to revisit. Going back allows you to understand why you thought they were genius to begin with. 

If you can't get a song out of your head, listen to it over and over again until it becomes part of your soul. 

Chinese History and Hydrologic Cycles are important as you make them. 

Any meal made by Mom is the best one I've ever had. 

You never have enough socks. 

Late night suits me. it ruins my days, casting me as a zombie, but these lonesome hours provide access to a part of me that would otherwise lay dormant and aloof. No wonder I turn to these hours to do what I do. Days are reserved for vice, sports, and hobbies. Nighttime is when serious soul searching comes. 

On a final lesson, perhaps this formal outlet isn't the best way for me to illustrate What I've Learned. Maybe a convo will suffice. 

An excerpt from tonight: 

 me:  what's going? Thanks for watching Goals btw. Do people think I won't be returning?

Bryan:  who said you wont be?

me:  thats just the feeling I'm picking up. everyone's been saying "goodbye"

 Bryan:  everyones saying goodbye to everyone plus youve made it clear you wont be back for like 2 months

 me:  yeah

 Bryan:  a month and a half

 me:  I hope so. it's just been kinda cryptic and surreal

 Bryan:  and early in the semester you were all about letting the wind taking you where it may be and acting like you never wanted to step on los angeles soil again. i mean you told me repeatedly you had no intention of returning. im sure you told other people the same. so while i feel you will be back and dont really doubt that i think that might be fueling most peoples fatalistic goodbyes

 me:  yeah, it's fueled by my own uncertainty

 Bryan:  id think that the people who know you best believe you will be returning probably although you gotta get over the uncertainty its part of the bargain you know the people who know exactly what they want to do to the t are boring so uncertainty is something we deal with

 me:  yeah

 Bryan:  and shouldnt be feared

 me:  I've just caught the bug for fiction writing and figure I'd be selling myself short if I didn't do it until I get good but that's a lame reason for anything

 Bryan:  also one that means youll be writing forever (which i fully endorse)

 me:  I sort of need to. nothing settles me like this shit

 Bryan:  as the day you feel you're good at something you should  stop i mean we can produce good but when we think were good were satisfied and fuck that

 me:  and while this novel ain't great it sure is telling of some future good

 Bryan:  one must hope certainty is sort of a mythical concept

 me:  and future good is the only reason to keep running

 Bryan:  (id say youre on the right path though)

 me:  thanks. I'm trying. More than anyone but intimates realize.

 Bryan:  i think people get fooled by your flippancy

 me:  yeah. for sure

 Bryan:  you make so many things seem inconsequential. stop that shit. you obviously care.

 me:  everyone thinks I'm some dumb ass Crispin Glover weirdo. I know I do. but that's my natural reaction

 Bryan:  i do not think of you as crispin glover

 me:  I've been a self promoter and never want to be one of those film school grandstanders again

 Bryan:  you're more mickey rourke

 me:  that's good I guess

 Bryan:  yeah (p.s. letting people know you care is not self promotion)

 me:  but I'm not gonna waste my efforts to do such a thing. It sort of comes out that I act like an ass sometimes. Though I really enjoyed spinning fancy talk last night

 Bryan:  well. thats not exactly what i mean, what i mean is this: nick, me, your mom we know this means a lot to you because you tell us. you dont just make pronouncements of want to be a great writer. you tell us that you like to write. that its important to you and that sometimes its hard but to others

 me:  I'm really proud that I come off that way. Really proud.

 Bryan:  youre like "that shit.  that don't mean much.  i do it when i'm not sleeping.  and usually drunk!  but i'm good at it and im going to keep doing it because im good at it" now while i dont think you need to open yourself up to everyone, it probably wouldnt hurt to act like this is the most effortless thing ever

 me:  yeah. for sure

 Bryan:  you would not be as good as you are if you didnt care

 me:  I care so much, so fucking much, and you know that. It's on my mind every second of every day and if I opened myself past the point of aloofness, people would figure me out as just another over ambitious hack and while that's good, I'd like to have a sort of playful carefree fireball standing with those that don't know me  well...though I can't disregard how many times I've had the same conversation you're starting with myself. You're a really great friend, Bryan

 Bryan:  i think you get too caught up in the fireball part. thank you. i consider you a good one myself... i guess what im saying, which i promise is not a criticism, but an attempt to explain the perception that people feel they'll never see you again

 me:  yeah. I know what I want to do, which is write, but don't really know how to go about it...but that's what the rest of this shit life is for

 Bryan:  yeah. so stop being afraid of not knowing exactly what you want to do. its par for the course. i dont know what i want to do but i do know i want to write so im heading off on the journalism course. i like this shit but i dont think its who i am. itll be part of who i am but it will not be the only thing ill ever do

 me:  Like Baron Davis' Grandma said "Take that ball away and who are you?"

 Bryan:  yeah my concern is that i get to write and you know what a lot of my favorite writers did reportage or criticism. they wrote. because thats what bonds us. we love to write. we need to write. the final outlet will vary. apparently im into verbosity tonight. simply put: i want to write. don't know what yet. but i have some ideas so im starting to check them off the list until i find the one i want

 me:  Do it I have so many more novel ideas now I think I'll put off getting a real job til this one is as good as it can be. though it'll never be perfect, it's me.

 Bryan:  thats important. alright playa. i gots work int he morning and a 1500 word essay on myself to write so im going to catch some sleep, wake up early and try to write a draft. catch you soon. on a final note, i expect to see you come february but i wont lie id be bummed if you dont come back im not intending on that happening though. night killa...what i know will be up as soon as i finish this essay

 me:  AWESOME. I'm doing mine now

 Bryan:  awesome

 me:  I'll be back for you, Nick, Jeff, Brock,  Nico, Mc, & the rest of 'em. the cousins and brothers I never had

 Bryan:  were a pretty special lot. lets take advantage of that and show we are to the world. come back for the club meetings

 me:  such is the "New" Newhindenburg

The Beast Is A-A-A woken

Let me start with these sentiments. Curtis and his sentinels will finish third in the AL Central. Segrei will contract syphillis. Archie will take on the personality of some So-Cal peon known in some circles as Keith. 

It is worth noting that no one, anywhere, ever, has ever respected Keith. If you watch Six Feet Under you know what I mean. For all his muscles, David's Keith is still one hella drag. He's probably from Philadelphia. That Tom Hanks movie probably moved him beyond his belief. Lifted his existence from mere human to the vaunted status of true Afro-Douchebag (think Ben Wallace with a PHD.) 

Let's talk about music. I only listen to Robert Johnson and MF Doom but my attentions once turned to a waifish Canadian Songstress by the name of Nelly Furtado. Let's get this straight, Nelly wasn't the best. Her vocals were weak and her production a far cry from glossy. While these could've MF Doomed a lesser artist they lifted Ms. Furtado in my eyes. Seeing the simplicity of her album, in the year 1998 or 2000 or 2002 I felt for a fact that Ms. Furtado knew what she was going through. She was in touch with her emotions. She was a distinct human being by all accounts. Listen to this... 

I'm like a bird. 

I want to fly away. 

Don't know where I'm going

Don't know where my home is... 

These lyrics told me that Miss Furtado had never been exposed (or at least appreciated) to the fine work of Ginsburg, but what they said was something. The poor thing was lost in the Vancouver Wilderness. She didn't know where her little life was headed but she knew for a fact that she wasn't yet satisfied. The insatiable longing, the search for that intangible something lurked deep within her. She knew this. I knew this. As a 8th or 10th or 12th grade boy I knew that Nelly was going through. She didn't know who she was, but danggummit she wanted to find out. 

At this juncture who could fathom a guess as to what was out there? Did triumphs lurk? Would a centaur someday run for president? The world could've been just about anything. You and me Nelly. You and me. We wanted to find out together. I'm not saying we were lovers. I never even crushed on Miss Furtado but I do know that we were on a similar journey. We wanted to spelunk. We dared to explore. I must warn that this is mere conjecture, though I presume that seems obvious. I guess the gist I'm getting at, is that at one point in the way back machine, that Nelly Furtado meant something. 

A Timbaland/Nelly/Justin remix came on swirled around in Enya's Orinoco Flow. I have to admit that the song has a beautiful effect. It makes me want more. It makes me believe. But this is only because I never listen to lyrics. Upon taking a closer listen I am appalled at the state that has overtaken my Darling Nikki. 

Nelly: I'm a supermodel...

I love my ass and my abs.

*CUE ENYA*

Nelly has gone and found herself a good dose of self esteem. This sex fueled pop has driven her record (well downloads) sales higher, they have taken the bite out of Furtado. 

Other people have recognized her. They paid credence to her charms. For some this would lead to an artistic renaissance. For others it would lead to self esteem. I surmise that this is the case of one Nelly Furtado. I should have seen it coming when she name dropped Steve Nash. I should have known it for a fact when she released "Promiscuous". I didn't see or know either. I bought into Nelly as a poor, sensitive soul. What I didn't count on was that Nelly was an average girl with below average self esteem. 

Given the gifts of this world, Nelly has reverted to the most lackluster of forms. Body image issues solved by dollars and attention, she has chosen to sing the praises of her physical form and little else. I will acknowledge her beauty but there was so much more.  It is a shame to see someone so resonant in their insecurity become suddenly confident. The results can be disastrous. 

As it currently stands, Nelly is a bona-fide pop star. While this exalts her, while this lifts her to the precipice of singing the Canadian National Anthem before NBA All-Star games it makes her mean absolutely nothing to me.