Happy 20089 (this entire post is a joke!)

I see we have some new additions to this here family at the ole' Hindenburg! Well, I must extend my welcomes! In addition to welcomes I should give a swift kick in the groin. As it stands now I have no idea how I got roped into this disgusting endeavor with a dystopic group of people. I mean come on! Can you even dare to believe these aSSholes?!? 

Joel Walkowski formerly Charlie Hoofing III: "Hey there ladies and gentlemen, my name's Joel. I pretend to be  a writer. I also pretend to be something of an eccentric so you won't judge me too harshly. When you read my novel, the shitty work I threw together night after drunken night, you'll think "maybe I don't get this". That's true but the reason you don't get it is because I'm a self-infatuated narcissist rather than a writer. I hope the Lions pick Matt Stafford so I can masturbate to the idea of fades to Calvin Johnson!" 

Oh I'm sorry Joel! Did I impede the Lions on your sexuality?!? Sorry! 

Joel: "I fall in love with every girl I kiss because such events are so momentous and monumental for such a monumentally momentous pussy such as myself. I'm gonna go write a love poem, revise my novel, and play Tenori-On while pretending to be happy. Than I'll fashion a wedding dress to Nick Olah's exact measurements b/c I'm that fucking self assured! :)" 

On a side note 20098 is the musical year of John POPPER. I own 3000 LPS. Paramount among these is Blues Traveler's 1994 release. I'm making it my personal "Shapinsky's KarmA" to build Blues Traveler into the modern day Beatle's for the sake of hilarity alone. 

Thank God I'm sooooooooooo distant from that world. Otherwise I'd have fathered infinite amounts of children by now. My eight-year-old clique are all men by now. I am the only man remaining. I take this as my purpose to drive to the beach and wave my member "hello" to the porpoises. 

Mr. Andrew McNally Aka "McWriter". I can't think of a more contrived name for a writer. What is it? Are you inspired by McMuffins? I get the Irish alliteration but this childish imitation of fast food restaurants is something best reserved for John Cusack movies. Oh wait! I'm sorry! I forgot your predilection towards understandin' the fairer sex. Never mind, as a product of Illinois and a wannabe writer I get your obsession with John Cusack. Yeah, maybe you'll be there some day! Until then, continue on the archetype path fascinating nubile (ie warm pussied ladies) bitches with analyses of Planisphere and Fukudome's batting average! Yeah, what evs! 

Jeff LaPenna aka Jeff the Pen!: Wow buddy! You are so infinitely different than the rest of humanity. Do you think that, maybe, when the time is right, we can hold each other and watch the world burn?!? I promise to nibble your eaR lobes! I just want to live on an island with you forever! The isle of Man! Have fun getting tattoos pookie brains! 

Bryan: Oh I'm sorry Johnny come lately, your wonderful Vietnamese girlfriend and library job entail you a moral superiority! Forgive me form questioning. Your conversational acumen intimidates me. No one will ever understand Sean Rooks' feeble marriage with Chili's like you do! You are a champion! A scholar! An employee of VKC Library! 

In a nutshell... Let's break barriers!